I’m just going to be honest for a second. This whole surviving cancer thing is not the heroic story that everyone makes it out to be. I have refrained from talking about this part of my life because I have survived so I think anytime I complain I am offending my dear friends that have lost their loved ones to cancer and I also don’t want to admit that surviving cancer is harder than it looks. Everyone I have talked to thinks I’m some warrior; a hero, a strong person, and honestly at this point in my life I hate hearing people tell me that. I understand you all think that I am strong and I accomplished something few people can do…but honesty I don’t feel that way. I did what anyone in my situation would have done. I showed up for my appointments, I let myself be injected with medicine that would apparently heal me, and then I had to deal with the after affects of it. I know I sound like some selfish brat. I feel like aselfish brat to the parents that read this and have lost their children to cancer, but I hope those parents realize that life after cancer and the guilt that comes with surviving, when so many other children don’t, is more petrifying than going through cancer itself. I hate admitting to people that I am struggling because I feel like I should be embracing the life I have, making the most out of school, and living life like a normal 24 year old adult. However, that is not the case. After finishing chemotherapy in early July I took a semester off school to get both of my shoulders replaced and one of my hips replaced. I recently figured out I have to get my other hip replaced, so from what I’m saying to you….does beating cancer seem like some huge accomplishment? To me it does not. I recognize that the pessimistic side of me is taking over and controlling my thoughts, but I hate lying to people about what surviving cancer really entails. It makes me think I have to work harder and faster to accomplish the life phases I missed, it causes me to question every decision I make because maybe I am setting myself up to get sick again, and it heavily involves thinking about why I was one of the people who survived while so many innocent children lost their lives to such a terrible disease. One of the most difficult parts of this process is trying to understand why so many people stuck my by my side throughout this terrible time in my life. Of course there are people who dropped the ball and made me realize who my true friends were, but in the end I think this whole experience taught me a lot about life. The main point I am trying to make is that regardless of how terrible your situation is at the time, your life can only improve and I truly believe that. I might have made mistakes in my life and come across some challenges, but those experiences made me who I am today and despite the steroid fat, the nausea, and the pain…I think that this whole cancer thing might be a blessing in disguise. Don’t get me wrong, it sucked/sucks ass, but I honestly have learned a lot about myself and what I want my life to look like because of the experiences I have been through. SO yeah, you might have had a hard time in your life but I challenge you to think of the positive things that have come out of that are…because regardless of what happens in you life, good or bad, you can always learn something valuable.
PL&FC
- Katie
Cancer is Stupid 
Hey Katie, I know the whole beating cancer thing might seem like a huge burden and weighs heavy on your soul and your emotions. Know this, I lost Lauren but it would have made things worse If we had lost you too. I know we never really see each other but in my heart I know your still out there living life. (not always easy with all the Surgeries but still living life). Trust me I have been emotionally down for a couple months between being locked in my house due to weather and my shoulder surgery but I know things will be better in a couple months. I am sure for every bad moment you have, you have many good ones(I have seen pictures:).
Embrace those!!!!!!! And stay in the fight. I am sure Lauren smiles down everyday knowing that you kicked this bastard, and wants you to continue to kick this thing. You are a warrior, you have set an example for those who will follow, and hopefully with you keeping up the fight someday there wont be those who follow. Love ya Kiddo!!!! Always in my heart. Brent
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I totally get what your saying it was very difficult going back to work on hen/onc after I was done with all my treatments and watching the sweetest little kids pass and the reactions from their families would break my heart, I would think to myself so often why God why did you choose me to stay? But my mother in law always tells me it’s because I havent finished whatever it is I need to finish in this world. This world is full of so much evil and scary thing all of those kids are now at peace and don’t have to worry or suffer. I was once told that living life on earth is hell and only the good die and get to go to heaven. When I start feeling this way I try to just feel blessed even though I have now relapsed and I have to go though treatment again but this time it’s only oral chemo which is much easier and I’ll be able to work and go on vacation I still fee so blessed, I do find myself thinking why was I chosen to have a tumor that less then 5% of people with GBMs have that is actually the most treatable consider most GBMs are not treatable. So I try to just keep the faith! And take what even blessing that come my way and thank God everyday for it!
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Dear Survivor,
Believe it or not, your e-mail to me this a.m. was just what I needed to inspire me for today.
No matter what depression you feel, you are right – it is leading up to something positive
even if you aren’t sure just when. I have been ill, too, as Tom and Dixie will tell you some
time, but I am 81 so I have enjoyed my life thus far ever so much, especially knowing and
loving your dear grandparents. You are one fortunate girl to have so many wonderful
friends and relatives to be there for you. It means everything, doesn’t it????
I am going to show your e-mail to our son for inspiration, since he, too, suffers from
many sicknesses, but forges on just like you. We are so lucky to have him living with us.
He is our only child, and we are glad to be together.
We pray for your complete recovery, and for a life of inspiration to others as you have been
in the past. Yes, cancer sucks, but God is a mighty and loving and merciful God who does
NOT bring on cancer or any other bad thing. Just know He created you to BE something
so go on and BE it! We love you always,
Jene and Bill Bean
P.S. Love to your grandpa, grandma, and mom and her sisters from us.
Sent from Windows Mail
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Katie,
I got up to pee at 2:30 AM today and saw your post. I went back to bed, but couldn’t help think about this latest post and my thoughts regarding what you said.
You know, every situation has at least two sides, two perspectives, I know losing your “cancer friends” is tough, especially when they are children or young adults. But you know what? If you hadn’t got cancer you would never have known them. Never have seen and felt their beauty. And perhaps never have realized the world has many dimensions, some very disappointing.
Remember when you got cancer? you were diagnosed while doing a mission trip in the Caribbean. For those few days you had your first real “hands on” experience with abject poverty. You saw the world in a new way. A way that you never would have even dreamed of if you had never left your comfortable, upscale suburban life.
Cancer has indeed expanded your perspective and hopefully your appreciation for even the smallest things in your life. As bad as your cancer ands the treatment(s) was, it gave you a remarkable gift. It gave you appreciation for far more than you could possibly have if you never had met cancer face to face.
It’s great to know how you feel, but I’m disappointing to see you have embraced the negative aspects of survivorship rather than explode with gratitude, determination, and a new awareness over the gift of life you have been given..
You are not a warrior. You, my dear granddaughter, are simply a survivor. You have been blessed by a great family, wonderfully qualified doctors, a hospital that is world class in cancer treatment, and friends who have stood with you through everything. It was not all you, but you and one hell of a team.
Stop dwelling on what you missed. That’s Woulda’ – Coulda’ -Shoulda’ thinking. Whatever you missed is – MISSED. It will not come back. It is gone. Embrace what’s ahead with all the gusto you can muster; and then some more. You have been given a magnificent opportunity to live your life with an awareness that others, those who have not gone through what you have gone through, can not even imagine.
Everything you do, everything you experience, every person you meet has the potential of being so wonderful, so penetrating, so special if you will start looking forward. Remember, you decide what kind of day, week, month, year you are going to have every time you get up. Please don’t squander this gift.
PL&FC
Gpa
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