People keep asking me what I’m up to and how I have been feeling. As most know, I hate using my phone so this is the best option to reach out to everyone concerned.

1. What are you up to?

Well pretty much the same thing. While last year was a year of rough chemo that was physically straining, I am now continuing on my year and a half of maintenance. In maintenance I go in once a month for chemo treatments that aren’t going to make me lose my hair but still suck. Every other day of the month I take oral chemo pills and I will officially be done with treatment on July 7, 2017. I am starting to become a real person again… I started attending school at Xavier University this past semester and let me tell you it is SO nice to finally be busy again. Not really much to expand on there. Other than that I’m just trying to get by without any incidents.

2. How are you feeling?

That is a great question. Normally when people ask me that question I respond with “I’m doing really well” but I do have a lot going on and I am struggling to be a normal twenty-two year old girl. Being at a children’s hospital has definitely caused me to regress and become a little more immature than I was before. I have been having a lot of trouble separating from my mom because we were constantly together for over a year and a half, but I am slowly working on it (you try spending every waking moment with your mom and then tell me how easy it is to adult). I have been trying to train myself to be an independent student instead of a dependent patient. People never tell you that it isn’t the bad chemo that sucks the most it’s all the side effects from treatment that are the worst (super attractive stretch marks, avascular necrosis that means I can’t run again, cavities, depression and anxiety, short hair that looks like an afro when it grows in, and many, many other annoying fuckers). My doctors and care manager like to tell me that I am a “difficult patient” and am “special” because I keep having so many unexpected rough patches due to the side effects. On top of all these nice surprises it is really difficult for me to combat the mental and emotional stress that has build up over time. When I got sick or started to hurt physically from my treatments there was always a pill that could help relieve that, but when I am upset about my stretch marks or struggling to move on there isn’t a magical pill I can take to make it all better. There isn’t a single day that goes by where I don’t miss having all of my friends nearby, my long hair and stretch-mark free body back , or the ability to live without worrying about getting sick and sent back to the hospital. It is mentally exhausting. I am retraining myself to act normally and do things that you would look at and consider to be second-nature such as organizing my medicines, learning when to let my body rest, not bringing up cancer in daily conversation, and others. A year and a half might seem like too short of a time to lose the ability to balance the social, mental, physical, and academic aspects of life, but I was only focused on my health that whole time and nothing else really mattered. While I do feel like I gained a lot of wisdom and life lessons from this journey, I also feel as if I have lost a huge part of who I am and it is a struggle each and everyday to get that back. I know that I will never be the same person who I was before I got diagnosed, but I would like to gain my sense of self-worth and independence back. I think one of the hardest parts of having to go through this mental battle is doing it without most people knowing how I really feel. I might be growing back my hair and losing a bunch of the weight that I gained from steroids but I am still finding it almost impossible to feel like I have any aspect of my life under control. I don’t need any sympathy or gifts, I just want everyone to support me and understand that I am still going through a lot.

NOWWWW I WILL BE POSITIVE

I didn’t think I would end up writing that much so I figured I should probably talk more optimistically now. My mom is actually going to start running for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Woman of the Year for 2017 because she wants to make sure top turn my cancer into something worthwhile. I am close to being a cancer survivor and I am one of the lucky ones who has been responding to treatment. I have made some AMAZING friends who I would have never crossed paths with unless I had gotten sick. I have gotten to see just how much my family, boyfriend, and friends care about me. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have recognized that before, but when I look back on all of the surprise visits, kind words, and never-ending support I am moved to tears. I have a better understanding on what it means to live each day by the fullest and I am more compassionate towards those who are struggling through all of life’s low points. This has been the shittiest, most demeaning, painful, terrible, and worst time in my life, but it has also bee the most eye-opening, supportive, loving, and inspiring experiences. Cancer might be stupid but it is important to recognize all of the potential beauty it can hold or you will just end up miserable, hating the cards you were dealt.

PL&FC