I figured it was a good time to update this whole blog thing with what has been going on. I knew last year was hard physically and emotionally draining but I never expected that being in the middle of maintenance (I still take chemo each and every day) would be as mentally challenging as it has been. I’m in this weird middle ground where I am feeling a lot better than I used to but I still am not in school and not in shape physically to do strenuous activities. This is definitely a low point for me mentally and emotionally. My friends from out of town have stopped visiting, my dad is travelling every week, my sister works, my brother plays golf, my mom drives my brother, and my boyfriend is back to work as well. I find myself waking up feeling sad and lonely. I have started crying randomly and I can’t even pin point why. The doctors and therapist all say this is normal and they are surprised this whole depression thing hasn’t gotten worse sooner, but I still feel guilty for feeling this way. I am alive and happy with where I’m going but its hard for me to focus on the good things I have coming in my future when I’m busy focusing on the bad things that I’m currently going through.
Everyone still tells me how proud they are that I have managed to keep a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eyes. I haven’t really told people how I’ve been feeling because I don’t like it when people feel sorry for me and I feel like they would judge me for not being happy to have gotten through the past fifteen months of hell. Sure in the past I have had struggles with depression but this is definitely the hardest I’ve had to push through. I find staying busy, seeing my friends, and getting out of the house does a lot of good so I keep trying to make those things happen. Knowing that I can feel this way and not have others know what a hard time I’ve been having has really opened my eyes to how much you can talk to a person but not realize that they could be struggling in there everyday lives. You hear all the time that you never know what a person could be going through behind closed doors but it has always been difficult for me to empathize with that until going through the stages of grief and dealing with depression and anxiety. Depression is something that millions of Americans face and it is important to be aware that calling a friend every once in a while or taking someone out of their house just too see them or converse face to face is so helpful and uplifting. It isn’t hard to simply reach out so the next time you are sitting bored on the couch or waiting for something just pick up the phone and call that friend or family member you haven’t checked in on for a while because, although it may seem irrelevant, it is the small gestures that can really turn someone’s day around.
Cancer is Stupid 
Katie.
I am an old friend, the wife of Bill Bean, who was a driver and friend of Tom’s and Dixie’s,
when the Porsche was a big part of their lives and travels, and your mom was a very young girl.
After the racing phase of Tom’s life passed, he went on to more important business projects
which took much of his time in travel, so we kind of lost track for a long time; however,
we recently celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, and wouldn’t you know it — we found
out what loyal friends do – they jumped in their car with some of the other former members
of the racing team and raced down to spend the week-end celebrating with us. Honestly, it
was so gratifying to Bill and I to feel the love and affection they have felt for us (and still do),
that it helped us to understand what love, friendship, and faith in God and one another are
all about.
And this is why I am writing to you today. Your Grandmom, Dixie, is tops in our book. She
and Grandpop Tom spoke to us all about you for a very long time, and we found out what
you and your family have been enduring throughout all this time. They weren’t even sure
they could make the trip to Florida to our celebration until the last minute, because they
wanted to be sure you were healthy enough to leave. How we wish you could have
heard them brag on your beauty, your stamina, your attitude, your intelligence, your
endurance and bravery – it made us feel some of your pain.
We are active church members in our local Catholic church, and have offered many
prayers and Holy Communion for your speedy recovery. We hope you have as much
faith in The Lord as it takes to get you through this, because He made you – He didn’t
make you sick, – nor does He want you to be sick, believe it or not. He has a reason
for everything that happens, and we know you will find something good will come
from all this suffering. Perhaps it is to make you a very strong person, an empathetic
one who can reach out and help others in this condition.
What are you proposing to do with your studies? Your grandparents told us, but we
are sorry to say we forgot, since there was so much going on at that time.
Please know we are with you, and I promised Dixie we would keep in touch, so she
gave us this information so we could contact you directly. I wonder if your mom
remembers our son, Sean. One summer when they were teen-agers, the families
got together at Lake Rabun in the Georgia mountains. They liked Sean and everyone
got along well. He was particularly happy, being the only boy with those beautiful
girls. They sent their graduation photos from high school down to him, and we still
look at them from time to time. Bet your look like your mom when she was your age.
Please also try not to dwell on the sad and painful times, but look forward to what
God has planned for you, and I believe it will be a beautiful and fulfilling future.
We hope to keep hearing of your progress.
Fondly,
Jene Bean
Sent from Windows Mail
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Thank YOU for putting this not only in writing but also making it “public” — reading your description helps so much to understand how we can easily “miss” opportunites to make a difference — even as you say — just doing the little things to make a difference because we think they are really doing okay. You nailed it!! Know that even when you are feeling down you can be the difference for so many you dont even really know. Love to you and keep fighting.
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Thank you, Katy. We all have our personal struggles and need to remember to reach out. In those dark moments, think about the good times at TVR. YOU, are my Sunshine!
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Katie… I can’t begin to think I know what you are going through but I know for a fact you are a very strong person inside and out. Know that you are loved and in our thoughts daily. Being positive always wins even when the darkest cloud is overhead! Sending you lots of sunshine to make you smile!! Hugs! Rita
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Gpa here –
Well, this comes as no surprise. probably because we get updates from your Mom and Dad regularly. What is a surprise is that you seem to have forgotten something important I told you some time ago. That’s a bit disappointing.
Yea, I haven’t walked a mile in your shoes, nor you mine. But there are a few things I believe in with all my heart and soul. Things that have allowed me to make it through this life for over 68 years. Things that have made my journey absolutely the very, very best. Totally awesome!
Being a youngster and no doubt thinking that you know everything that’s important in life by now, I ask for your indulgence and to hear this old far out once again.
Here’s one of the most important things I know: No matter what the circumstances, no matter how bad things are, no matter how bad you feel, no matter what the situations is, YOU decide what kind of a day, week, month, year you will have. Every morning you wake up you have a simple choice to make – you will either have a good day or a bad day. It’s all up to you. It’s Y-O-U-R decision. No one can make it for you no matter how hard they may try. No situation can dictate to you. It’s solely your decision.
I know there are times that you feel like shit, times when you miss the college experience you had to give up due to cancer, times when you could just scream. Well, go ahead and scream, cry, or whatever. But don’t make a decision to be miserable.
God has allowed you to beat cancer. Surely this experience has taught you just how precious life is, How wonderful life is. How even the smallest things are so very special. Don’t squander even a minute feeling sorry for yourself, dwelling on the negatives, pining about “what could have been.”
Woulda’, Coulda’, and Shoulda’ have been the ruin of many, many people. And that’s so sad because they did have a choice. They could see life’s glass as half full and see all the opportunities that were in half full glass, but they chose not to. They chose despair, sadness, negativism, and the darkness.
You have been given a great gift. You have seen the dark side. And you are on your way back from that hideous destination. Embrace life will all the strength you can muster. Smile when you don’t feel like it. Call your friends (I HATE texting and emails), drop by and visit those who love you, kiss those who are shy, tell a bad joke, wear a seriously unfashionable outfit, buy ugly shoes, use the wrong lipstick, dye your hair purple, or whatever.
Katie, life is a wonderful journey. You’ve just had a temporary detour. Now go and find that main road and continue life’s journey with new vigor, new excitement, new dedication, and a wonderful outlook. Smile on the possibilities.
I love you with all my heart and soul. Know you can do this and you will.
PL&FC,
Gpa
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