This past month I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that I don’t get to go back to IU and these last three weeks I have spent having an even harder time with the physical changes and the pain chemotherapy is causing. I have been wallowing and ignoring my phone just to avoid seeing some post that would make me more upset. I really don’t mean to push people away but I have found that when I go through something that is hard to get through I shut down and assume people won’t be able to empathize with me. Honestly, that is also one of the reasons it has taken me so long to write another post; I didn’t think anyone would want to hear how terrible cancer has been treating me and the pressure to write something inspiring never allowed me to clear my mind and just write.
Today was different, I woke up ready to explain what I have felt this past month because it has taken all this time to get over my bitching and start looking at ways to change my negative attitude. First, I though it would be best to explain what all has been going on. I am currently fifty pounds heavier than the day I was diagnosed and the steroids have both eaten at my joints and made me feel like an eighty year old with arthritis. They have also made my stomach, legs, and face become more swollen than you could imagine. When I look in the mirror I no longer recognize the face staring back at me and that is one of the most upsetting side effects and what makes it difficult to even leave the house on a bad day. I wouldn’t care about the hair loss if I could just get my body and face back to what they used to look like. I have even told my mom to stop letting people come over to visit because i don’t want them to hear my name afterwards and remember the deformed ogre they visited.
However, I can’t stop the complaints there because I have received so much chemo that has completely knocked me down and proven more difficult to endure each time. The joint pain that came about from this last round of steroids is intolerably terrible and can only be treated with narcotics so I am constantly snowed and barely accomplish anything of value throughout the day. While a normal dose of steroids for guys looking to juice up is around one or two mgs, I was taking twenty mg twice a day for two weeks. Trust me when I say that there is nothing worse than the pain, sweating, and roid rage that dose has caused.
All of this pain and physical change has really knocked me down and made it harder to stay strong through each week’s treatment which is why I have been trying to work on finding little things to do that make me happy. I have been cooking a lot, painting canvases, playing with my puppy, and completing puzzles to name a few because those are activities that distract me from the pain and the grief and shine some light the shittiness of the past month. Why spend time writing this all down? Because I wanted people to know that when you are going through a dark time it is important to find things to do that make you happy and pull you out of your funk. While I am still trekking through the hardest month of my treatment I wanted to remind people that whenever they hit a hard wall and are struggling to climb to the top it is important to look for little things to do that make you happy or keep you busy. If not, you could end up acting like a grumpy cancer patient, wallowing in their negative situation rather than coming up with ways to get them out of their funk.
Cancer is Stupid 
hi sweet brave girl!! We have never met, however I feel like I know you!! I do hair in Bloomington Indiana! I have a lot of girls from DZ! They are always talking about you, and how much they admire you. Well somehow I stumbled across your page, and I read this. I just want you to know that I think it is absolutely amazing how you look at life!!! You are right, I DO need to appreciate things like playing with my dogs, and just everyday life! I am truly sorry hat you’re going thru this. I was on steroids once, I also gained a ton of weigh, but the worse part was I had a period where I was experiencing psychosis!!!! I can’t even begin to tell you how that felt! There are no words! Anyway I just wanted to tell you that I think you are a super hero!!! You are such an inspiration! And thank you so much for taking the time to write this! I look forward to reading all of your posts! Take care sweet girl! I wil pray for you every day!!!!
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Katie,
First…you do something of value everyday whether you believe it or not… You fight this beast and at get through another day to wake up the next day one day closer to a healthier you.
You amaze me…spending the past week with you confirmed that a 45 year old can look up to a 21 year old. You help me get through my days. I know you hurt but you do not complain out loud. You are amazing. I love you and wish I could trade places with you do you wouldn’t have to go through this. I loved when I could see you smile last week although I know it’s so hard to do these day. Each day is one day closer.
Hugs and Kisses.
Peace Love and F:($ Cancer,
Aunt Jen
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Katie – sorry that it has been such a rough time for you. Thanks for your raw honesty and willingness to share at such a deep level. It really helps me to look at my life in a completely different way – counting blessings and giving thanks for the small things. Know that I don’t miss a day without praying for you.
Deacon Dave
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http://youtu.be/U5x4Clxh7HM 🐶Thinking of you!💜
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I need your address SOS
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Gpa here –
Only someone who has spent time with you, as Gma and I did this last weekend, can truly appreciate just how hard all of this is. It’s hard to be encouraging when we know how bad you are hurting. But let me give it a try…..
First, keep in mind that you have been through more of the bad stuff than lies ahead. No, it’s not all downhill from here, but you have come a lot further than you have to go – at least as far as the bad stuff is concerned.
Yes, the journey is still long, but if you can handle what lies ahead as well as you’ve handled what you have already been through you will be just fine.
Once you get through these 3 or 4 more weeks things will start improving. That will take time, no different than the brutal road you have traveled over the last 6+ months. It took that amount of time to get you where you are today. It will surely take as long to get back.
But soon we will all start being aware that good stuff has started to happen. You will start feeling slightly better, the treatments will be less devastating, and the fog from the drugs that are necessary for you to deal with this latest round of chemo will begin to lift.
Life will slowly (emphasis s-l-o-w-l-y) begin returning to some semblance of normalcy. I know that may seem a distant prospect right now, but my little Tookis, you must embrace that thought and know that positive thinking, however hard it may be right now, will open more and more doors as you journey forward.
You are one bad ass girl and I really don’t know anyone who has handled all this with the grace and honesty like you have. Frankly, I don’t see how you have hung in there like you have, but you have. And in doing so you have shown all of us just what the word “tough ass” (OK, 2 words) really means. And what GRACE is all about.
Kiddo, we love you and will always be here for you. Just keep thinking how far you have come and how soon all of this will begin to get better.
Feel all the love and cherish it. It’s so special. You’re so special.
PL&FC
I love you,
Gpa
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dear Katie
it has been a while but tomorrow I reach the age of 50.
had my problems and pains but still am gratefull to see the Sunrise when I’m fishing and thank the creator for the time I am here and see my son (age 20) living his life and just out of school has a steady job,good girlfriend and good health.
but i know it can turn very quickly and without any reason the other way,like you now strugling and fighting.
life isn’t fair;but did anybody told it would be?
no we have to make the best of it even when it goes the wrong way.
is it luck,destiny or just life anyway we(you) have to go the way it is,no matter what.
I truly hope you will beat it and become a stronger beautiful women in the future but also stay the one everybody knows and loves just like you where and are!
I know I don’t know you but when I read all those comments and hear your grandpa talking and loving you that just gives me that feeling you are a gods gift!
and maybe you (just like my son) can be a pain in the .ss everybody loves you and that dear Katie is the only thing that matters in this life.
grts Gunther from belgium
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