Over the past couple of months I have come to realize there are certain people who know how to treat cancer patients and their are others who completely miss the mark. The following is a list of things not to say to a cancer patient based on my experience.
1. “I wouldn’t be able to go through what you’re going through.”
Yes, yes you would be able to get through this because you have to. If cancer was suddenly a part of your life you would suck it up and walk into the hospital multiple days a week and get chemo like every other cancer patient has to do.
2. “At least you have more free time.”
This is just completely false. I am not on a relaxing holiday. Although I am no longer a full time student, dealing with cancer has become my new full time job. Between perfectly timed medications, hospital visits, and nausea attacks, there is little time to sit back and relax.
3. “How are you feeling?”
Really? I am a twenty-one year old who was just diagnosed with leukemia. Of course I am going to feel like shit. I can’t eat a full meal without becoming nauseous, I cant leave my house without a mask for fear of infection, and the chemo is making my body so weak that I cant even go up the stairs. So never ask how I’m feeling because you should have the common sense enough to know that cancer sucks and I will never be feeling great.
4. “How is the rest of the family doing with all of this?
How is my family doing with this? Well they sure arent happy and excited about my cancer. They did not ask for their daughter/sister to get cancer. They’ve been forced into a situation that no one wants to be in. When I am crying they have to calm me down. When I am not feeling well they have to act as my nurse and give me my medication. Basically, they have had to paused their lives and cancer has now become their new norm.
5. “You’re so strong, you will definitely beat this.”
I am not beating anything. I am not in a battle. My life is paused because of a diagnosis because of cancer and I have to just sit there and willingly take the medication that the doctors give me and hope that one day the cancer won’t be there. I didn’t sign up for some battle. I was forced into this diagnosis and have had to be strong because of it.
6. “I’ve always wanted to shave my head.”
No you didn’t. If you did, you would have been bald already.
7. “At least they caught it early.”
Catching leukemia early is not good or bad. My treatments are the same as any other patients with the same diagnosis and I am not at an advantage just because I found out early. Cancer sucks regardless of the stage you’re in.
8. “You look great!”
No I don’t. The steroids that made me bloat and my body grow four times in size was not attractive and I don’t need people to lie and tell me it is. Also, having a bald head isn’t the most desirable or girly hairstyle. I have had more people call me beautiful within these last two months but ironically this is the ugliest I have felt in my entire life. And yes, I know it’s temporary but that doesn’t mean that these physical side effects don’t constantly suck.
9. “Do you need anything?”
Well, I NEED to get rid of this cancer, but I don’t think you can do anything about that. This is such a broad, difficult question because I never know how to respond. It would be better to ask a cancer patient, “do you want me to get you anything from the grocery store?” or “Is there anything at the house you need help with?”.
10. “We’re going to get through this.”
WE are not going to get through anything. I am the one with cancer and I am the one who has to deal with all the treatments and all the physical side effects. While I understand how hard it is for family and those close to me to watch me go through this, they’re not the ones physically and emotionally going through all this shit.
Peace, Love, & Fuck Cancer
Thanks for all of your endless love and support. Yours truly, Katie Voytek
Cancer is Stupid 
Katie, I am very happy you put up this blog. I continue to learn from you as each week passes. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life with all of us. Bless you. Larry Modder, Hoboken, NJ
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Katie – very funny! I heard much same 20 yrs ago when I went thru treatment for leukemia too at age 40. Having had AML myself, I still don’t know what to say to someone that I encounter now, either. Guess thats just awkward part of our humAn nature.
Hope you keep blogging & God bless.
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Gpa here………
Here’s a news flash: There isn’t any book out there called “Talking To Cancer Patients For Dummies”
Just as cancer is new to you, it’s sure as hell new to all of us who love you and worry every waking minute about you. Do we know what to say in such a horrific situation? Hell no. It’s like throwing shit on the wall, hoping some will stick. If not then we fucked up and probably should have kept our mouth shut.
Some of us have had substantial trauma(s) in our lives and the simple fact is that nothing ANYONE says will really make these situations any better. Yea, they’re comforting and bla, bla, bla…., but there are simply NO words or actions that will really change the diagnosis or discomfort at the moment.
I’ve been reading a re-reading this post for over a week now. My first thought was simply to stay quiet and not post anything. Then I started thinking, which for me can be fairly dangerous.
Obviously you’re having a rough time. We all knew, or learned, that this beast called ALL is no walk in the park. One of my friends in Oklahoma was very candid with me and said it would get a lot worse before it got better. I’m guessing that’s what’s happening here and perhaps what motivated you to write this.
So here’s a some questions that I’ll pose to you:
1) What would you say to the Dad whose wife and 2 daughters were swept away in a flood in Texas and presumed dead while he survived?
2) Someone close to you had a dog who saved their life when their house caught fire. They became the closest of friends. The dog just got hit by a car and did not survive. What would you say to your friend?
3) A soldier in Afghanistan had both his legs blown off by an IED while on patrol. He went to your high school and you knew him well. What would you say to him next time you saw him?
4) You go to the hospital because your best friend’s daughter was burned all over the upper body when she spilled a boiling pot of water on the stove on herself. She’s disfigured but doctors say they can do plastic surgery when she’s older. You would say?
5) A very close friend is killed when a plane crashes into a hotel he is having a meeting in. He is burned beyond recognition. His wife is hysterical along with his 3 kids (who are triplets). What would you do? (this actually happened – he was one of my best friends).
My point? We’re all lucky to bat .300 at best when we try to make someone feel better. No one will ever bat 1000. But we try. We try because we love you. We try because we think you’re a very special person. We try because we want to be like you when bad things happen.
Kiddo, I love you. I know there’s not a damn thing I can say or do that will make this better. But I try………..
Peace, Love, and Fuck Cancer.
Love, Gpa
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My favorite it’s… No you wouldn’t because you would have already shaved your head and would be bald… 😂😭😭😂😭 I laughed out loud.. Thank you Katie for your brave candid heart and soul.. Tell it like it is for all of us. Love to you!!
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