After having a terrible week the last thing I wanted to do was write, but apparently a week long break sends the wrong message that I am on my deathbed. Thankfully, I am not dying anytime soon and I really just didn’t feel like writing about how I was feeling. I have been angry, self-conscious, upset, grieving, tired, happy and a million other emotions all within the past week. The up and downs of my mood haven’t been very conducive to come up with prompts until this morning.
I would say that last week was one of the worst so far. Not only did my body feel like it was giving up on me but I was mentally disturbed by the way I looked and lacked the motivation to perk up and be one of the good cancer patients. I cried at least twice a day and found myself taking more pills to combat the nausea that was beginning to become a regularity. My face remained round and my body stayed bloated despite being off steroids for two or three weeks and I was starting to think that I was going to remain an ugly cancer patient for the rest of my life.
Along with grieving over my disfigured, physical attributes I became angry. Angry that I have had to put up with so much shit over the years and now I have to add “having cancer” to that ongoing list. I found myself asking why me? Why did I have to give up my education at Indiana University? Why do I have to miss out on my senior year of college with all of my best friends? It just doesn’t make sense to me but I am slowly coming to realize that it never will. It was pure bad luck that caused one of the cells in my body to begin multiplying and cause this cancer. It really could have happened to anyone.
Although I have been angry with the world the last week I have tried to look at this more optimistically, as hard as that is to do, and I have been trying to notice how lucky I am in relation to the rest of the world. I have a loving family and amazing friends as a support system, I have a roof over my head and the ability to receive top notch medical care, and I have a mom and a dad willing to sit with me for hours on end in the hospital just watching me get treated. Yes, this cancer sucks and I hate feeling this sick all the time, but honestly I’m one of the lucky patients. I will never have to worry about whether or not I will be able to walk by the end of this. I am in my first round and still responding to all the treatments given to me. Most importantly, the odds are in my favor.
My motivation doesn’t come from quotes on Pinterest or a Hallmark card, it comes from the stories and people around me. How is it fair for me to get upset or angry about my diagnosis when there are so many worse of than I am. Those people are what keep me inspired.
In short, I encourage everyone who is having a bad day or even a bad week to take a step back and put your situation in perspective because there are always people who are fighting for their life and aren’t half as lucky as the rest of us.
PL&FC
Cancer is Stupid 
Thanks for sharing so openly – I am grateful for your perspective and it helps me to cope with all of the small things going on in my life, which are so insignificant when compared to what you’re facing and what so many others are facing.
Keep up your spirit – praying for you every day.
Deacon Dave
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i love you. You’re amazing and you help me think more positively. I miss you so much ❤️.
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Gpa here……..
My dear Katie, I love you more every day. And today it is especially so. You inspire me in ways you will never know.
I don’t know a single person who hasn’t had some serious adversity in their life. If they say “not me” then it just hasn’t occurred yet. The key to successfully navigating adversity is how we perceive it, rationalize it, and deal with it.
Yours is no doubt tougher than most people will experience. I’ll give you that. But, the good news it that you are having to deal with this when you are at your strongest. You’re youth is a huge advantage. But your real advantage is your maturity and ability to introspectively and strategically look at this situation and form a logical opinion about the disease, the treatment, and positive outcome.
There’s just nothing I can say to you to make a bad day better. Shit, I really am not even capable of knowing just how bad those bad days are. All I can do is repeatedly tell you how much I love you, how much I am praying for you, and how much I admire you. That’s all I got.
I’m approaching “old guy” status. That I even made it this far is somewhat amazing to me. Lots of stories here that we need to share sometime. At this stage in my life I’ve come to realize a few things that may be of value to you:
1) It ain’t the stuff we have that’s important. Material possessions are nothing more than a way of compensating of our insecurities and shortcomings.
2) Family, friends, and relationships are paramount. There is simply nothing, repeat: nothing, more important.
3) Trust is far better than suspicion. I can’t imagine living a life being suspicious of others. Not saying you should be a Pollyanna, but trust others to do the right thing. If you do 99.9% of them will.
4) How you look is far less important that what’s inside. No one ever took a picture of anyone’s soul or spirit
5) You can do anything if you truly believe you can
6) God is love. Know God in your own way and you will have a wonderful life.
Katie, there will be days ahead that will be even worse than those this last week. You know that. Just hang in there and know that you have so many friends and family that will always be there no matter what. They love you so much. This love provides unlimited strength to you.
You will get through this. I am sure of it.
Peace, Love, and Fuck Cancer.
I love you,
Gpa
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Dearest Katie,
Your spirit shines so bright you do light others lives. You amaze me; your strength and courage. You make insignificant bad days better and bare able as mine are nothing compared to yours. I t might sound crazy but I think of you often when there is a rough day on my horizon. Doing that changes my train of thought and I find courage to move forward with my day and feel a little guilty having taken so long to start it. I pray for you several times during my day as I think of your courage and the kindness you manage to still show others when you are not at your best. And when you need that boost as sometimes our strength and courage falters, I ask for His strength to carry you through your day knowing He is with you always.
I know with miles always separating us its “who?” But remember the special woman, the matriarch of our family.. Great Grandma. Maybe in times of unbearable discomfort you can remember the twinkle in her eye as loved her grandchildren. Remember when all of you brought her birthday cheesecake down with sparklers? The twinkle Katie, always keep that twinkle.
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Dearest Katie,
Your spirit shines so bright you do light others lives. You amaze me; your strength and courage. You make insignificant bad days better and bare able as mine are nothing compared to yours. I t might sound crazy but I think of you often when there is a rough day on my horizon. Doing that changes my train of thought and I find courage to move forward with my day and feel a little guilty having taken so long to start it. I pray for you several times during my day as I think of your courage and the kindness you manage to still show others when you are not at your best. And when you need that boost as sometimes our strength and courage falters, I ask for His strength to carry you through your day knowing He is with you always.
I know with miles always separating us its “who?” But remember the special woman, the matriarch of our family.. Great Grandma. Maybe in times of unbearable discomfort you can remember the twinkle in her eye as she loved her grandchildren. Remember when all of you brought her birthday cheesecake down with sparklers? The twinkle Katie, always keep that twinkle.
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I’m so sorry this cancer has to be a part of your life….no one person, family likes to hear the C word….I’ve followed your journals along here and you utterly amaze me even in the toughest times, days, weeks…I admire you admitting ALL of your feelings, symptoms in your journals…when you are healed, you will be such a strength for someone else…I bet you have already touched many on the unit…When I have a tough day, or medical issue, you give me strength….Really! What am I whining about! I ask Gods blessings to be upon you Katie!
Peace and Love! Marilyn Stocker…I’m Dr. Angie’s mother….She is the greatest!
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Katie thank you for your stark honesty. With continued positive thoughts to you. 😄 you are inspiring and when you win your battle we all will be celebrating with you
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Katie,
I love that you are putting your feelings into words and expressing them. This is such an important step in healing. I’m sorry for all the pain you are going through. I pray that God will give you strength and perseverance and show Himself to you in unbelievable ways. I praise Him that even in the midst of your trials that you have been an inspiration and encouragement to a many. I love you.
Aunt Kim
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Katie,
Thank you for being genuine and raw with us. You sugar coat nothing and that is wonderful in giving us an insight into you. I love you so much!!!!!!!
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