For the past seventeen days in the hospital I have been in shock, mixed with doses of anger and grief about my cancer because I haven’t felt like I am fighting a disease with an eighty percent survival rate. To be honest the first two weeks were more boring and annoying than anything else. However, recently I have begun feeling the symptoms of my diagnosis and I can say without hesitation that cancer sucks. I have constant jaw pain that pain meds aren’t controlling, my joints ache as if I have arthritis (I’m talking eighty year old man arthritis), I’m being fed a whole pharmacy’s worth of medicine twice a day, and I am having trouble not throwing up anything I eat. Basically cancer is stupid and there is nothing I can do about it but watch as the meds they pump into my body make me sicker and sicker before they can work on getting me better.
What I am working on learning to accept is not the physical pain that I have to go through, but how I can remain emotionally stable. I have to come to understand that what makes fighting cancer so huge is that your body isn’t the only part of you under attack. Mentally you are pushed to your lowest point and forced to sit back and hope for the best. You can be the strongest, healthiest person in the world but without remaining motivated or hopeful you wouldn’t stand a chance of getting over cancer.
There are a couple different reasons that make me bitter and angry about my situation. I hate the fact that I am being forced to give up the rest of my time at IU. I will never get to live in a house with all my best friends during our senior year, I can’t participate in a true college bar crawl, and I have never been on Roy’s patio. I have started ignoring all phone calls and texts to my phone, I never check Snapchat, and during weekend nights I ignore my GroupMe at all costs. On top of that, it’s not even social media that is hard to look at. I walk around the hospital cafeteria and see nursing students or patient visitors and am automatically jealous. Out of all the people standing around and walking through their daily routine why am I the one that had to get cancer? Why does my life plan have to get completely fucked up when everyone else gets to live like normal students or adults? Although having FOMO (fear of missing out) isn’t as bad as cancer, it doesn’t mean I can’t at least hold a small grudge.
Cancer isn’t just about fighting a nasty diagnosis and dealing with physical side effects, it is also a personal battle inside of yourself where you must accept the fact that your life plan has changed and you have to adapt and remain resilient in order to get past this terrible time. Although I am not there yet, I am hoping that one day soon I can accept this as a stage in my life that will mold me into a better, stronger, braver person. I know that my body can handle all the poison and all the beatings I’m about to receive, but I know that the only way I can overcome this cancer is by retaining a strong, resilient mentality.
Cancer is Stupid 
You are amazing, Katie! Stay strong!!!
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Gpa here –
Lemme’ see here. This post tells me you’re moving past the “stay strong and positive” stage. I’m betting that all those happy-happy movies, cards, jokes, stories, etc. are developing a sameness. Maybe you need to read something that’s more about survival and less about “positive, upbeat, stay strong stuff”. After all, you DO have cancer.
Recently I read a book about a flyer in WWII (that’s World War 2 for youngsters like you) . In May of 1943 his guy was flying over the pacific in a B-24 bomber and the damn thing quit running. No enemy planes shot it down, it just broke. Crashing into the water only 3 guys survived. In a raft they managed to salvage. One died a few days later.
The two survivors floated for what I believe was 49 days – 2,000 miles in an endless sea. No food or water, nothing. They survived on their wits and determination. Key word here: Determination. After 49 days they spotted land and made it ashore only to be captured by their enemy, the Japanese.
They were immediately interred and spent the duration of the war (over 2 years) in Japanese POW camps where they were beaten, tortured, and oftentimes doubted they would survive another day. When the war ended they were still alive and lived to tell their story.
Here’s the interesting part: The “hero” if you will of this story was Louis Zamperini who, before the war, was an Olympic runner. He had an unbelievable future ahead of him. Friends, fame, accolades, notoriety. Basically his future was as bright as a star. Then the war broke out after Pearl Harbor, he enlisted, and it all went away. In a heartbeat at 10,000 feet above the Pacific.
The book is called “Unbroken” by Laura Hillenbrand who herself is a sufferer of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Yet she managed to write this amazing book along with another one called Secretariat about the famous horse. Both books spent years – that’s y-e-a-r-s on the NYT best seller list. Both were made into movies (the movie Unbroken isn’t near as good as the book).
Louis Zamperini died this year. He was 93. Not bad for a guy who went through what he went through, huh?
Kiddo, you’ll get through this because you, my sweet little grandkiddo, have what Louis had – Determination. So hang in there and accept this beast as an opportunity that you have yet to embrace. We love you and are with you every step of the way.
Peace, Love, and Fuck Cancer
Gpa
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From reading your blog and the posts from your family and friends you clearly will persevere and beat cancer. And for what it’s worth I think there is not one problem with holding a grudge. I know I sure would! It sucks royally that you have to miss out on these potentially fun moments and your senior year but what matters most is that you come out of this on top. You’ve got a lucky group of students waiting for you to make a difference in their lives. If I’m a principal about the time you are ready to teach, you are hired!!!! PL & FC
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Its ok to be angry and there is no need to apologize for it! Your friends and family are angry with you! But your friends and family also know of your internal strength. Hang on to it! “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.”
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Hi Katie,
Been thinking a lot about you lately. Hoping you dig deep and knock this cancer on it’s ass. You can and will do this. You ‘re a strong personality that has SO many friends and family members cheering you on. We know you’ve got this and when it gets tough don’t forget to lean on us to give you the strength you need. You’re going to come out of this with so much confidence to do things that you never even thought possible.
I, too, think you’re a gifted writer with lots of possibilities for a very bright future. Hang in there, girlfriend! You got this!!
Big Hugs!!!!
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i saw this on my Twitter feed this morning and it fits so perfectly so I had to share.
“Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul.” – Jim Valvano ❤️ love ya babe! you’re SO strong
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Thinking of you Katie and PL&FC
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I’m so sorry, Katie! Love yourself and take as much time as you need to walk through each stage of this grief. You are so valuable and loved. I can’t wait to see you and be sad and pissed with you. Your thoughts are half the battle so try and take every thought captive to Christ. He will carry you and strengthen you.
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