They say whenever you experience a loss that you go through the stages of grief. This includes denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. I’ve decided that the stages of finding out about and dealing with cancer is exactly that; a loss. I am losing my university, my sorority, my health, my hair, and the next nine months (really three years if I want to be realistic). My life is simply paused for cancer and I am stuck being chemo’s bitch.
I think it’s safe to say I am in between the denial and anger stages of grief. I haven’t been crying because my mom does enough of that for everyone and as my sister says “it’s bullshit till she’s bald”. It doesn’t feel like I have cancer yet and I’m definitely not ready to see what happens when it finally hits me…hard. Of course I have had bad moments where I ask “why me?” and joke about how 2015 was supposed to be my lucky year (guess I jinxed myself on that) but I’m trying to focus more on how I can look at this life-changing diagnosis more optimistically.
I have tried to think of all the reasons why this happened and it’s clear that the answer to that question is whatever I want it to be. Maybe I haven’t been appreciating all the people and things around me and needed to be kicked in the ass for not being grateful enough. Maybe the people who are close to me needed to get kicked in the ass and I am the only one strong enough to put up with all of this bullshit. Maybe I really just have terrible luck. Maybe there is something bigger I should be doing to use this diagnosis as a way to make a difference. There are hundreds of reasons I can think of to explain why cancer landed in my body and what really sucks is that no one will every know the true answer.
In the end I can question, worry, or stress over this diagnosis and how it affects my life or I could also use this as a chance to reevaluate how I am living and what I want to change. Let’s face it, my life is going to be on hold for quite some time and I’m going to be able to do a lot of thinking so why not focus on the positives. Cancer is giving me a reason to become a survivor. I am not the strongest person you’ve ever met but I’ve been through more shit than your average twenty-one year old. With cancer I am fighting for my life and learning how to face the hard challenges head on. This means no excuses and telling those moments of weakness to fuck off. Another way to look at it is by recognizing that I been given this amazing opportunity to potentially help others. Instead of wallowing in self pity I have a chance to inspire people to live their lives with purpose and never take anything for granted because you never know when all of what you expected for the future could be stripped away in the blink of an eye. In the end I want this cancer to mean something, not just for myself and the way I live my life but for all the people in my life. I want to show people that the hard times will get better if you have the determination, the strength, the courage, and the loving support of everyone around you.
Now, I’m not some guru wise old man. I have little experience with this cancer and I know for a fact I will get angrier, sadder, and way less positive but I figure if I don’t start this long, painful process with an optimistic attitude then the next three years of my life are going to be unbearable.
PL&FC,
Voytek
Cancer is Stupid 
Wow!!! You are an inspiration! Go Katie go!
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Perfect outlook to start with! You got this girl!
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Wow Katie. Love you. Love your strength. You are definitely an inspiration to me. God Bless. See you soon.
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You are AWESOME!
❤
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There is absolutely no doubt that you will do amazing things during and after this journey. Already, you are touching and changing people’s lives to be just a little bit kinder,more courageous, and motivated to do something meaningful. I love you yo the moon and back Kates! I hope you can feel my hug around you every step of the way!!!
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You are an amazing writer! You should write a book😊stay strong💪 love you💗
Xoxo lauren
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Katie, we haven’t met, but I am a friend of your parents. You are a strong and amazing young woman. You will beat this and have a marvelous future. Your wisdom and outlook are remarkable. Kick ass, Katie!
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Inspiring! You are an amazing young lady!
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You are one very special young lady….FC
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That was beautifully written Katie and you are amazing (maybe a wise old man guru:) and definitely inspiring all of us with your words and actions. We love you!
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Oh my, you never cease to amaze me, you will have so many thoughts during the time your body heals.. Your reflexion of what is gapping is so inspiring, I can tell by the need of followers yo have on your blog.. Just know that each and every person reading your blog are all praying for you but also fighting for you? You are not alone, we all love you so much,, I will see you soon, and I will squeeze you so hard you will have to pry my arms off of you.
Love and Kisses
Gma.
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You are such a strong young lady! You are truly an inspiration for me. love you!
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Katie you are an inspiration to us all!
God Bless you! 😘
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ghandi
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I was just telling my husband last night (who just took a job that he already hates) that the only thing we can control in our lives is our attitude and the way we choose to treat those around us.
I don’t live. I don’t try new things. I worry. And the older I get, I worry getting sick, getting cancer, and about dying. My husband bitches about his hours, the car he’s stuck driving, etc.
Katie, you’ve been dealt a really shitty hand. You’ve already said it yourself, so no need for me to say it. And you don’t know me from a hole in the ground. But I know your Mom (She’s a pretty awesome lady).
I don’t really know why I’ve started to read your blog. Curiosity, I suppose is the first reason. The other reason, would be because I’m heartbroken and pissed that cancer has to effect 21-year-olds like you and anyone else for that matter.
What I can tell you for sure, you’re already making a positive difference. You remind us that we’re so busy scurrying around in our hectic lives living for a penny, that we forget to live. Your words are so true. (That and your Gpa)
We are too afraid to try this or try that. My personal favorite is not putting my fat ass in a bathing suit and playing on the beach with my kids (only get that opportunity every 1 year or so), because I’m afraid of what 20 people that haven’t a clue who I am and honestly don’t give a crap what I look like, might think of me.
I wish we’d just get over all of that, and LIVE!
Katie, I wish you the best of luck on this journey. I pray that you and your family make it to the other side stronger and wiser because of it. I wish that you didn’t have to go through this. But I love your attitude. I love your honesty. Anyone who just shows the smiley side of things is not being truthful (however they might not know how to handle it any other way, so no judging). That’s it for now, because I don’t really know what else to say. Much love to you and yours! 🙂
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DANG GIRL. You go. I am with you every step of the way. You’re a wordsmith. WERQ IT GURL. OWN IT.
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Katie you are an inspiration,every accomplishment starts with the decision to try and you are on your way to win this battle. Please know that you are in my prayers everyday!!!
Love and peace
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your amazing, I miss you.
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Dear Katie you are an inspiration, every accomplishment starts with the decision to try and you are on your way to winning this battle. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers everyday.
Love and Peace
Mary
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Your words are so inspiring Katie. I know your Aunt Shannon & she thinks the world of you. I’m sure you will definitely kick this cancer’s butt!! God bless!
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Gpa here……
You know, you keep churning out stuff like this and i promise to accompany you when you accept your first Pulitzer.
Love you, Kiddo.
PLFC – Peace, Love, Fuck Cancer,
Gpa
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My heart hurts for you having to go through this, but I know if anyone is strong enough to power through this shitty situation and stay positive, it’s you. You’re such an inspiring writer, thank you for writing these highly entertaining and very real/candid posts. I miss you all so much and am planning to visit soon with mom and Clay. It’s definitely been too long… I love you and we’re all praying for you and thinking about you every day. You’re amazing and beautiful and have such a great heart ❤
Hugs and kisses from Atlanta xoxo
Also, PL&FC
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Katie, You continue to amaze us, inspire us, and put us in awe of your writing.
You give others strength to do what they have neglected doing for some time. Such words of encouragement. Although we understand how strong and determined a young lady you are there is passion that flares in your writing. Keep your attitude – share your smile – and go kick some butt today.
Love you very much kiddo
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I am a good friend of your aunt Kaye..you kick some royal but girl!! I am keeping you and your family in my prayers. Keep up that fight! 💖
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Wow Katie. Good post. Strong writing. When the read your post I remembered this from Glennon Melton’s book Carry On, Warrior.
…”I stepped gratefully through the door of hope that Chase had opened for us. I had been waiting for his permission, because the one closest..has to be the first to step from despair to hope. Nobody else is allowed to jump ahead and shove open the door. That’s the rule. ”
Carry on, warrior.
Plfc- ha, I said it.
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Grieving is so important. I’m glad you’re learning about this and are able to process and express your thoughts and feelings. So many people don’t have a clue about this.
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Katie,
This post moved me. Your attitude and observation about life are rarely seen in someone so young and for many people, that wisdom is never attained. All any of us can control in life is our attitude and actions to the challenges and opportunities that come our way. In other words, you can choose to be the victim or the master of your destiny and you have clearly chosen the latter. I applaud your strength.
One observation I have made is that when one door closes on our journey in life, another door or window opens. This disease sucks and it breaks my heart that you and your wonderful family have to go through this. However, a window has opened. It is overwhelmingly clear that you are greatly loved and are achieving your goal to impact the people you love. 21,529 hits to your blog on one week is incredible! Sending you our love and prayers.
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Hey Katie, I love your blog! And I love that you sign your posts “Peace, Love & Fuck Cancer!” When I went through my own cancer thing 5 years ago I did the same thing…. I wrote a blog to chronicle my thoughts and experience. And (because I hated the C word so much) I named my cancer Earl – for the Dixie Chicks song Goodbye Earl.
Hang in there – I know you’ll find some awesome hats, and I agree – Fuck Cancer! You have a great attitude…. you’ll get through this!
Love and hugs, Jane (your dad’s cousin)
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Katie,
Beautifully written. You are an amazing, young woman! One thing you can control is your attitude. You’ve got this! Kick cancer’s ass!
~Stephanie
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