I haven’t been having the best couple of weeks due to feeling like complete shit or spending hours laying on the bathroom floor just to be close to a toilet. As you can tell my days are jam packed with a lot of fun activities to keep myself busy!!! Anyway, I was having a conversation with my doctor when she explained her belief that being in your early twenties and having cancer is the hardest age. I agree completely with that statement. You see, my original “plan” was to graduate next year and then move out of my house because that’s the normal thing to do. However, my life is at a standstill and instead of following this path to adulthood it’s almost as if I am taking ten steps backwards because I have a common childhood cancer and am being treated at a children’s hospital. Instead of going out to the bars and hanging out with my friends I am connected to an IV that’s putting chemo in my body. Instead of getting ready to move out and start looking for a job I am unable to even walk down the stairs without help in case I make a tumble. I have a blockage in my “plan” and it took me up until now to realize that your plan can be whatever the fuck you want it to be.

After wallowing in self pity for a couple of weeks I started asking myself why we all think we need to follow this pre-set path to be happy in life. This “plan” that is ingrained in everyone’s minds is that they have to graduate high school, get into a good college, graduate college, get a job, move out, get married, start a family, and send your kids to school to fiollow an identical path. So why do we all get anxious when there is a road black in this plan?

We have to accept that our paths are not predetermined and we need to learn how to take the punches as they come and go with the flow. What’s wrong with taking a gap year to explore, travel, and just do the things that you love. It took cancer to make me realize that life can be cut short and we need to do things that we love in order to make us happy. My “plan”looks like a scratched out, ripped up mess but I have the opportunity to truly find myself all because of this damn cancer. What will it take for you to realize the same thing? 

– Katie

This sucks, Everything about cancer sucks and I’m stuck dealing with it. I can’t travel, I can’t leave my own house without a mask. Basically I’m limited to a select variety of activities that won’t interfere with cancer. Cancer, cancer, cancer, everything has to be about cancer. However, I have decided to implement a plan into my daily routine; do one spontaneous or memorable thing each day. Although they are small there are a few examples of how I’ve tried to turn these now moments into wow moments.

1. When my cousins first got here I pulled them to the side and made a plan to jump into the pool with all of our clothes on. This might sound completely dull but for me and my seven year old cousins we were able to forget about everything that matters and do something spontaneous, without thinking about how wet and uncomfortable our clothes would be. We made a memory that we will remember for the rest of our lives.

2. I went with my boyfriend and two of his fraternity brothers to learn how to roll our own sushi. I had to agree to this because when else was I going to get to learn such a great and spontaneous task. The experience taught me more than how to make a spicy tuna roll, it gave me a chance to forget about the cancer and do something enjoyable with a few of the people that mean the most to me.

3. I made my whole family (grandma, grandpa, a family friend, mom, dad, and others at our house) take a shot of Tequila together. I’m sure you’re reading this asking why in the fuck would this be a mature or wow moment…to me this is something that I will hold closest to my heart because for the first time in who knows how long my family laughed together and were able to do something that didn’t have to do with our everyday problems. My dad and I did an extra shot, why, well…….

As you read this is should be clear that not only are these activities all very simple, but I have cancer…I mean you can’t expect me to be able to skydive or ride a roller coaster. This is why I want to challenge you to come up with activities that will turn a now into wow a moment.

Suggestions for wow moments are encouraged and if you want to do something relevant, spontaneous, and fun then feel free to come and visit. Love and cherish these wow moments.

PL&FC

Okay so over the past seven years of my life I have struggled to maintain a relationship with god. Whether going through hard times or celebrating the best of times it has always been hard for me to trust that faith will carry me through. Two weeks ago when my mom said she was going to church I said I would join her (mind you, this church is similar to Crossroads). Although it was not a catholic church service that I have been used to attending i enjoyed the laid back, relaxing environment and decided that it didn’t hurt to try and restore the little faith I had left and wanted to return the following week.

The week after my first Horizon attendance proved to be one of the worst mental weeks of my cancer and did nothing to strengthen this so called faith in God. I was crying multiple times a day and focusing on how I am only 1/4 of the way through the intense chemo schedule that leukemia requires.Along with feeling less motivated, I was wallowing about the changes to my physical appearance. Now that I try and get out of the house more it isn’t rare to run into someone I know that does not recognize my deformed cancer face. Guess that’s just another perk of cancer at twenty-one amiright?

Anyway, the Saturday following that dramatic week I got in yet another fight with my mom and had to separate myself into the other room. As I was perusing through the channels trying to find something to take my mind off of things I stumbled upon Veggie Tales. Now, I don’t know about you but I haven’t seen a Veggie Tales episode since elementary school and had no recollection of the show being so religiously centered (if you didn’t  know Veggie Tales is basically a show that turns bible characters into vegetables and has them act out stories found in the bible) so I decide it couldn’t hurt to watch it and since there are silly songs to keep me entertained. However, as I watched the story of Gideon and how he was going to lead a crusade against a stronger army all because God chose him to trust that he will carry Gideon through to the end. Anyway, I took some notes and planned to write a blog post about how wierd it was that I randomly ccame upon a bible show that was tellling me exactly what I needed to here.

It wasn’t until the nest day when my parents and I went back to Horizon for the Sunday service. This first week was focused on turning your ow, plow, and now moments into wow moments. Now I will be the first to admit that I have a long way to go and a lot of work to do before fully gaining my faith back but as I am sitting, listening to Chad speak openly to his congregation a single bible verse is put on the screen…I kid you not I read “Proverbs 3:5-6” and immediately recognized the verse that the Veggie Tales episode I just happened to come across was the same one plastered in front of me that Sunday morning.

So okay, I sit there and think ‘wow Katie that is super weird but that must be a common verse that everyone uses during hard times’. Yes, I was being stubborn and refusing to accept the signs in front of me until I went home that night. I was going through my box of cancer clothes (I have gained A LOT of weight and don’t remember most of the things given to me so it’s almost like opening a new present every time I reach into my hamper). Well I grab a shirt close to bottom and tell my aunt, “I don’t remember seeing this but I’m pretty sure someone sent it to me in the hospital.” I lifted up the shirt and I shit you not the damn thing read ‘I got this -God Proverbs 3:5’.

Now I am not saying this has made me a devout worshipper but I am convinced that the three coincidences listed above are what will allow me to create a faith foundation and bridge the long term gap I have been struggling with for years…but seriously are those stories not just the eeriest things you’ve ever heard?!

I know I haven’t been writing like I should but I have had a rough couple weeks and I’m hoping to finish several posts within the coming week. PLFC and thank you all for the continuous support.

Over the past couple of months I have come to realize there are certain people who know how to treat cancer patients and their are others who completely miss the mark. The following is a list of things not to say to a cancer patient based on my experience.

1. “I wouldn’t be able to go through what you’re going through.”

Yes, yes you would be able to get through this because you have to. If cancer was suddenly a part of your life you would suck it up and walk into the hospital multiple days a week and get chemo like every other cancer patient has to do.

2. “At least you have more free time.”

This is just completely false. I am not on a relaxing holiday. Although I am no longer a full time student, dealing with cancer has become my new full time job. Between perfectly timed medications, hospital visits, and nausea attacks, there is little time to sit back and relax.

3. “How are you feeling?”

Really? I am a twenty-one year old who was just diagnosed with leukemia. Of course I am going to feel like shit. I can’t eat a full meal without becoming nauseous, I cant leave my house without a mask for fear of infection, and the chemo is making my body so weak that I cant even go up the stairs.  So never ask how I’m feeling because you should have the common sense enough to know that cancer sucks and I will never be feeling great.

4. “How is the rest of the family doing with all of this?

How is my family doing with this?  Well they sure arent happy and excited about my cancer.  They did not ask for their daughter/sister to get cancer. They’ve been forced into a situation that no one wants to be in. When I am crying they have to calm me down. When I am not feeling well they have to act as my nurse and give me my medication. Basically, they have had to paused their lives and cancer has now become their new norm.

5. “You’re so strong, you will definitely beat this.”

I am not beating anything.  I am not in a battle. My life is paused because of a diagnosis because of cancer and I have to just sit there and willingly take the medication that the doctors give me and hope that one day the cancer won’t be there. I didn’t sign up for some battle. I was forced into this diagnosis and have had to be strong because of it.

6. “I’ve always wanted to shave my head.”

No you didn’t. If you did, you would have been bald already.

7. “At least they caught it early.”

Catching leukemia early is not good or bad. My treatments are the same as any other patients with the same diagnosis and I am not at an advantage just because I found out early. Cancer sucks regardless of the stage you’re in.

8. “You look great!”

No I don’t. The steroids that made me bloat and my body grow four times in size was not attractive and I don’t need people to lie and tell me it is. Also, having a bald head isn’t the most desirable or girly hairstyle. I have had more people call me beautiful within these last two months but ironically this is the ugliest I have felt in my entire life. And yes, I know it’s temporary but that doesn’t mean that these physical side effects don’t constantly suck.

9. “Do you need anything?”

Well, I NEED to get rid of this cancer, but I don’t think you can do anything about that. This is such a broad, difficult question because I never know how to respond. It would be better to ask a cancer patient, “do you want me to get you anything from the grocery store?” or “Is there anything at the house you need help with?”.

10. “We’re going to get through this.”

WE are not going to get through anything. I am the one with cancer and I am the one who has to deal with all the treatments and all the physical side effects. While I understand how hard it is for family and those close to me to watch me go through this, they’re not the ones physically and emotionally going through all this shit.

Peace, Love, & Fuck Cancer

Thanks for all of your endless love and support. Yours truly, Katie Voytek

After having a terrible week the last thing I wanted to do was write, but apparently a week long break sends the wrong message that I am on my deathbed. Thankfully, I am not dying anytime soon and I really just didn’t feel like writing about how I was feeling. I have been angry, self-conscious, upset, grieving, tired, happy and a million other emotions all within the past week. The up and downs of my mood haven’t been very conducive to come up with prompts until this morning.

I would say that last week was one of the worst so far. Not only did my body feel like it was giving up on me but I was mentally disturbed by the way I looked and lacked the motivation to perk up and be one of the good cancer patients. I cried at least twice a day and found myself taking more pills to combat the nausea that was beginning to become a regularity. My face remained round and my body stayed bloated despite being off steroids for two or three weeks and I was starting to think that I was going to remain an ugly cancer patient for the rest of my life.

Along with grieving over my disfigured, physical attributes I became angry. Angry that I have had to put up with so much shit over the years and now I have to add “having cancer” to that ongoing list. I found myself asking why me? Why did I have to give up my education at Indiana University? Why do I have to miss out on my senior year of college with all of my best friends? It just doesn’t make sense to me but I am slowly coming to realize that it never will. It was pure bad luck that caused one of the cells in my body to begin multiplying and cause this cancer. It really could have happened to anyone.

Although I have been angry with the world the last week I have tried to look at this more optimistically, as hard as that is to do, and I have been trying to notice how lucky I am in relation to the rest of the world. I have a loving family and amazing friends as a support system, I have a roof over my head and the ability to receive top notch medical care, and I have a mom and a dad willing to sit with me for hours on end in the hospital just watching me get treated. Yes, this cancer sucks and I hate feeling this sick all the time, but honestly I’m one of the lucky patients. I will never have to worry about whether or not I will be able to walk by the end of this. I am in my first round and still responding to all the treatments given to me. Most importantly, the odds are in my favor.

My motivation doesn’t come from quotes on Pinterest or a Hallmark card, it comes from the stories and people around me. How is it fair for me to get upset or angry about my diagnosis when there are so many worse of than I am. Those people are what keep me inspired.

In short, I encourage everyone who is having a bad day or even a bad week to take a step back and put your situation in perspective because there are always people who are fighting for their life and aren’t half as lucky as the rest of us.

PL&FC

Dear Mom & Dad,

There are a lifetime of thank you’s that I have not always owned up to, but I wanted to let you know today how grateful I am for everything you have done for me the past six weeks.

1. Thank you for never making me feel uncomfortable when the steroids made my face look like a grapefruit and my stomach resemble that of a seven month pregnant woman. Even though I looked like shit you still refrained from commenting and that is something that means more to me than any edible arrangement could.

2. Thank you for sleeping on an uncomfortable hospital chair for over thirty nights and thank you for continuing to stay with me in the future even though you both know how obnoxious hospital visits can be. Even though I’m almost certain your bed was more comfortable than mine.

3. Thank you for never leaving me alone and always taking on the role of nurse because it is obvious to those who have seen me that my daily cocktail of medication makes me loopy and out of it. I sure as hell wouldn’t put up with some of the crap you have dealt with when it comes to me but I am lucky you remain constants in my life.

4. Thank you for letting me lean on your support on the bad days and thanks for being there for me when i get upset and have trouble accepting that this cancer is real. I know how hard it has been for you to watch me transform from the twenty-one year old college student to the twenty-one year old cancer patient but you have taken this diagnosis and made it a little more bearable.

5. Thank you for calling me beautiful when I consider myself a fat, bald, ugly ogre. It’s painstakingly obvious that I am unrecognizable in comparison to how I looked just six weeks ago, but you both haven’t let that phase you. The fact that your compliments and love has remained unchanged throughout this cancer means more to me than any chocolate covered strawberry ever could.

6. Thank you for committing yourselves to driving me to every single appointment and taking me out when I need a change of scenery since I am unable to operate a vehicle. I feel like I am back in middle school since I have to be chauffeured everywhere. However, I have not heard a single complaint from either of you and that makes me even more appreciative of the time you have committed to helping me get rid of this damn leukemia.

7. Thanks for giving up nights out with friends, date nights together, traveling plans, and more just to take care of me and make sure I am never left alone. I’m sure you both need a long weekend to relax and not think about cancer but having you with me at all times shows me how much you are willing to give up just to make sure I am okay. While a strong cocktail on a tropical beach sounds a lot nicer than having to feed your daughter a pharmaceutical cocktail of medications each morning and night, I’m thankful you have made the sacrifices you have in order to take care of me.

8. Thank you for being my best friends and best parents a girl could ask for. I know that you weren’t expecting to be stuck hanging out with your twenty-one year old daughter for the next two years of your lives but I am lucky that you have gone above and beyond to make sure I am comfortable and entertained.

Basically, you two are my best friends, my heroes, my role models, my caregivers, my bank, my landlords, my partners in crime, and an endless list of other things. I will never be able to repay you for the support and love you have shown me throughout the beginning stages of this stupid thing called cancer and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you both more than words could possibly express and I hope you know how appreciative I am of everything you have done for my benefit.

Thanks for being the coolest cats in the game.

– Katie

I have decided to call bullshit on the Hollywood films’ versions of cancer. I don’t watch every movie that has ever been made but in my experience the main character has a happy life until some doctor shows up diagnosing them with cancer. That character is shown shortly after sitting in a room surrounded by other bald patients who are not only receiving chemo but look miserable in the process. That night the main character is shown getting out of bed and throwing up while their significant other stays peacefully asleep. Again, I call bullshit.

I had no idea what I was getting into or what to expect a month ago when I was diagnosed so the only reference I had were from film portrayals. I couldn’t have been more off track. The first few weeks of being in the hospital are boring and uneventful. When I needed chemo the nurse hooked up my port in my chest to my IV pole that held the treatment and that was it. The symptoms of chemo don’t even show up until a couple of days later so I felt perfectly fine the first week being inpatient. Basically, for the first couple of weeks I was just waiting for the drugs to make me sick and miserable. Which is also bullshit by the way because when you have cancer you have to get sicker and sicker and sicker before you get better. Anyway, the first treatment wasn’t terrible because the only side effect I had was jaw pain three days later. The second was worse, bringing new symptoms that are super totally funtastic but what really sucked was the third treatment where all the pain, nausea, and cancer really hit me.

Moving on, the movies also seem to skim over how much time is spent in the hospital. I was inpatient for 30 days and thought everything was in the clear and I didn’t have to go back for a full week when I would receive another round of chemo BUT NOooOO my body decided to put me back for three days because of complications. I feel like the hospital is more my home than my actual house. I am friends with different nurses and staff that I see walking around, I know the weekly soup schedule by heart, and I can successfully navigate the back corrals of children’s to get to the staff elevators. Movies leave out these huge parts because to a story line it might not matter, but as a cancer patient I can say that the time waiting for orders, for results. or even for food are the most important. These small moments are what have determined how comfortable my treatment is and the type actions I can take to make the next year of my life mean something more than “the year I had cancer”.

I’m not saying all films that depict cancer treatments are unreliable because I haven’t seen every film shown, but I want people top know that there is more to cancer than going bald and getting sick. It is creating meaningful relationships with nurses and doctors. It is feeling pain in every joint and not being able to sit up yourself without help. It is taking 12 pills each morning and each night knowing that you are willingly poisoning yourself so that all the cancer cells are cleared out. Cancer is seeing kids wait with anticipation for the play room to open but it is also seeing kids that can’t leave their room for fear of infection. It is miracles and it is devastation. Cancer is whatever you think it is, but one fact is always true; cancer is stupid.

I know I haven’t been writing and I apologize. This past week I have made the transition from steroids and constant inpatient into all chemo and sometimes inpatient. However, I wanted to take the time to write this post as a way thank everyone who has reached out to me throughout the last month.

Never before could I have imagined just how many people I know genuinely care about my well-being. My wish for everyone is to feel as loved and as cared for as I have this past month. The genuine concern and support that I have received from friends and family is astonishing to me and I can’t even express to you all just how much the simple texts, gift cards, and small gestures have helped make this journey more bearable. I currently have 192 unread text messages, 78 unread Facebook messages, and 25 voicemails. It is because of the overwhelming quantity that I have been unable to respond to each note but I am writing here to let you know that I see every text and they are what help motivate me to deal with the day to day struggles of a 21 year old cancer patient.

If you would have told me two months ago that I would have hundreds of genuinely concerned texts and messages of support, a philanthropy planned in my honor at IU, shirts using my name to raise money for my hospital, ten edible arrangements, or three SweatyBands designs made for me I would have fallen to the floor laughing at how absurd that would be. The fact that all the above happened has changed so much about the way I view my relationships with others. I want everyone to feel as cherished and supported as I have.

In order to give back some of the love I have received I have decided to challenge myself to take enough time out of each day to let someone in my life know just how much they mean to me because I know first hand how a few kind words can change your whole day around for the better.

One last time, thank you everyone for all that you you have done and all that you have said. Your words, gifts, and actions have made cancer more bearable and there is no way I would be able to get through all of this shit without you.

PL&FC