This past month I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that I don’t get to go back to IU and these last three weeks I have spent having an even harder time with the physical changes and the pain chemotherapy is causing. I have been wallowing and ignoring my phone just to avoid seeing some post that would make me more upset. I really don’t mean to push people away but I have found that when I go through something that is hard to get through I shut down and assume people won’t be able to empathize with me. Honestly, that is also one of the reasons it has taken me so long to write another post; I didn’t think anyone would want to hear how terrible cancer has been treating me and the pressure to write something inspiring never allowed me to clear my mind and just write.

Today was different, I woke up ready to explain what I have felt this past month because it has taken all this time to get over my bitching and start looking at ways to change my negative attitude. First, I though it would be best to explain what all has been going on. I am currently fifty pounds heavier than the day I was diagnosed and the steroids have both eaten at my joints and made me feel like an eighty year old with arthritis. They have also made my stomach, legs, and face become more swollen than you could imagine. When I look in the mirror I no longer recognize the face staring back at me and that is one of the most upsetting side effects and what makes it difficult to even leave the house on a bad day. I wouldn’t care about the hair loss if I could just get my body and face back to what they used to look like. I have even told my mom to stop letting people come over to visit because i don’t want them to hear my name afterwards and remember the deformed ogre they visited.

However, I can’t stop the complaints there because I have received so much chemo that has completely knocked me down and proven more difficult to endure each time. The joint pain that came about from this last round of steroids is intolerably terrible and can only be treated with narcotics so I am constantly snowed and barely accomplish anything of value throughout the day. While a normal dose of steroids for guys looking to juice up is around one or two mgs, I was taking twenty mg twice a day for two weeks. Trust me when I say that there is nothing worse than the pain, sweating, and roid rage that dose has caused.

All of this pain and physical change has really knocked me down and made it harder to stay strong through each week’s treatment which is why I have been trying to work on finding little things to do that make me happy. I have been cooking a lot, painting canvases, playing with my puppy, and completing puzzles to name a few because those are activities that distract me from the pain and the grief and shine some light the shittiness of the past month. Why spend time writing this all down? Because I wanted people to know that when you are going through a dark time it is important to find things to do that make you happy and pull you out of your funk. While I am still trekking through the hardest month of my treatment I wanted to remind people that whenever they hit a hard wall and are struggling to climb to the top it is important to look for little things to do that make you happy or keep you busy. If not, you could end up acting like a grumpy cancer patient, wallowing in their negative situation rather than coming up with ways to get them out of their funk.

To my amazing Katie, I am speaking on behalf of your Delta Zeta sisters who love and miss you more than you can imagine.

One thing I know for sure is that everything happens for a reason. What I don’t know for sure is what the reasons are at the time. I don’t understand why something so heartbreaking could happen to such an amazing person at such a young age. An age where she should be spending her Senior year at IU with her Delta Zeta sisters. Why do bad things happen to good people? We don’t know the answers but faith and love will always see us through anything.

Your life can change forever in a second. I cannot imagine how difficult it has been for Katie to put a pause on her life and fight this battle. You have to choose how you are going to deal with things. It’s a lot more difficult to stay positive and move forward than it is to just give up. Katie has shown us how to fight.

Despite her cancer, Katie never gives up. To be so sick but to be so strong at the same time is absolutely inspiring. She is still the same Katie who never fails to brighten our days (especially with her baby costume obsession) and inspires us to stay strong and live our lives to the fullest. She inspires us to never take things for granted because you never really know what you have until it’s gone. Smile often, be kind to others, and hug your loved ones a little tighter. It’s the little things that mean the most. Think of Katie and spread her positivity and strength to others. Choose to move forward instead of giving up. As Katie would say, “Life is too short so eat what ya want and drink what ya want.”

I miss you so much, Katie. I miss you running into my room every day to tell me some hilarious, elaborate story about your day. I miss going out with you and how you’re always the life of the party. I miss that tailgate when we were the first people raging at 7 am. (And  yes, we will still be carrying around a picture of your head and FaceTime you wherever we go because we will NOT let you miss out on Senior year.)  You ARE beautiful inside and out. Words cannot express how much we love you, Katie. We are so lucky to be a part of your life and you will always be our hero.

Love,

Emily Bennett

Taking a run on a hot day and ending up dripping with sweat, moving into your senior year house and getting ready to begin the best year of your college experience, or grabbing a handful of hair and smelling the shampoo from your previous shower…all of these things are things that I took for granted. Right now, I wish more than anything to have those opportunities back. Yes, I know that being able to live out the rest of my life is more important than the small things I miss but it doesn’t make sting from the loss any less easier to bear.

I’ve had a bad week full of resentment towards the people around me who get to undergo everything I am now missing out on, but it has given me a lot of time to reflect on what I can learn from the depression I feel…never take anything for granted. This is because you never know how lucky you are to come into contact with the little things in life. I never thought I would miss the ability to smell my hair or get gross and sweaty. However, I have learned that I need to appreciate the fact that I still get to experience things that some people never get the opportunity to experience themselves.

Cancer is like….

1. Having Kids

Before you even have the kid, you look in the mirror and are amazed and horrified at what pregnancy has done to your body. It has altered it in ways you never thought possible and you continuously wonder if it will ever go back to the way it looked before. At times you are unrecognizable to yourself and ask if it will all be worth it in the long run. Kids require a lot of money and time in order to properly care for them. All of a sudden your time, dreams, and future are not just yours and are put on someone else’s schedule. You now worry about caring for them, making it better, and hoping they turn out okay. Cancer is like that too. Just like your kids when they come in yet again to bother you about how they don’t feel well and need to be taken care of, this disease does the same.   As if that wasn’t annoying enough, you are reminded of how sick you are, it is very similar to when your children wake you at night when they have bad dreams and decide to make it there mission to come and poke and prod you until you are awake multiple times throughout the night, just like nurses, doctors and parents do to the sick patient.

2. Having a hangover

The morning after a drunken night out can be a rough one. After standing up and feeling as if a trunk hit you, you look down and notice multiple bruises all over your body that have come with no explanation as to how they got there. You decide to ignore the pain and walk into the next room to down a giant glass of orange juice and find the Advil your head so desperately needs. While popping pills to make your headache go away you look down at your phone and see an abundance of text messages from your friends asking, “How you are feeling this morning?” You quickly respond with a short text, walk back to your bed to nap, and pass out for the next few hours until you feel well enough to start your day. Switch out the alcohol for chemo, and the Advil for seventeen different side-effect medicines and it is pretty much the same scenario, except there are two hundred texts and you do not have the energy, and the neuropathy in your fingers make it very hard to respond like you would like to your friends.

3. Going to war

You’re trying to win so you have to look at all the options of weapons in front of you to decide which will be a better fit for you in battle. Your body is constantly at battle. Even when you are resting and feeling fine your body is doing overtime to metabolize all the medicines and kill the cancer in your body. Just like war, it is not a quick battle or one single battle. It is many battles for months and years at a time with many battles going on at the same time, taxing your body and mental toughness everyday. It feels like it will never end. However, you have to continue and stay positive because you want to be able to combine all of the support available to be able to fight a good fight. They tell you the war will be over one day and things will be normal again and you continue to fight and try to believe what they tell you.

Finally it’s time for you to go home, the war has been won and you find yourself exhausted and ready for a much-needed vacation. However, you are walking out of this war as a new person. You realize how much stronger you have become and how you have gained a new perspective on the things around you. I assume it will not be much different from a soldier coming back from battle with some form of PTSD. You try to keep a good perspective and stay positive to move on and accept the new person you have become after the war.

4. Going to the first day of a new school 

You wake up and immediately are nervous about the school day ahead. You have butterflies in your belly and you are not sure what to expect the new school year. Every time I enter the hospital and begin a new phase of treatment I get the same feeling. I get anxious on what they will give me and then what side effects I will be prone to during this round. You hope the treatment will go smoothly and there will be no surprises, but you never know. Unfortunately, the first day passes and you find yourself thinking the hospital and all that comes with that phase is “normal” just like when the school year progresses…until you have to start the next round and you start all over again. Hopefully, you will meet a friend or two along the way that will help you get through that round and hold you up when the next “first” comes along, and maybe it won’t be quite as scary.

5. Losing someone close to you 

Most people know what it is like to lose someone they are close to. Maybe it was an old friend you drifted apart from, or maybe you lost a friend or family member to death, or maybe you just lost track of someone who use to be special in your life. When you have cancer and have to go through the toughest battle in your life you lose yourself…or at least what you use to be. You look at things differently and the little things that mattered don’t seem to matter like they use to before. You miss the little problems you thought were so big and you find you took many of the important things in your life for granted before cancer. You realize you will never be the person you were before all this cancer shit happened. Sometimes that is a good thing. You cherish your real friends more and look at everything more carefully and notice the beauty in it all. You access what is good in your life and use it to help you through the bad days. But you also lose your ability to move forward and plan because the unknown is too big, other peoples problems don’t seem big and you hope you will have empathy again one day. You grieve and miss all that has been taken away from you and find you have more cynicism and regret than you did before. Because you have so much time to think you realize this has changed you and you miss the person you were allowed to be before cancer.

6. Becoming friends with your enemy and someone new too

Along this crappy trip with cancer you at some point have to find acceptance that this is the card you have been given and there is no other option but to deal with it.   Just like a person who gives you a terrible first impression and you decide you don’t like them, sometimes you have to give them a chance. You are not saying you and cancer are best buddies, but you learn to understand each other. You accept you have it. You accept you have to feel super shitty to get rid of it. You know you will get rid of it and one day understand what part this chapter will play in your life. Cancer is learning it can’t mess with me. We just have to finish this ride together and move on.

Just like you have to learn to accept an enemy, you need to learn to get to know the new you through all this. You hope after this you will become a better person and someone you will be proud of. Luckily, you learn you have great friends and family and are greatly loved. Through them and this journey you hope to be someone who loves more deeply, gives more fully, and appreciates all the wonder this life has to offer. You know you are imperfect and life will still throw you curves along the way, but your wish is you will handle them with grace, and maybe even find a way to inspire others and make someone else’s life better along the way. You hope I like yourself after cancer. It will be nice to see what she is like.

Dear Morgan,

For years I can remember mom telling me how much you looked up to me and after the past four months I can now say I know how you feel. You seem to have everything I have lost; the hair, the social life, the internship, and the body. Never have I been so jealous and bitter. Because of this I should start with an apology.

I am sorry that I take out all of my anger on you. The sad part is, I never realized this until it was brought to my attention. I hope you can forgive me for how terrible I have been. When I should have been supporting and comforting you, I was ignoring you and knocking you down. When I should have celebrated your achievements and listened to you when you were excited about your job, I should have been happy for you and told you how proud I am to be your sister. For all of this and more, I am so sorry.

Now I should thank you. Thank you for being a good sister and an amazing best friend. We might not get along most of the time but I can always count on you for making me smile.I couldn’t do any of this without you. I would probably get fed up with mom, mad at dad, or annoyed with Nathan. Thank you for being my opposite in all the right ways because I couldn’t imagine having a sister who acts any different.

Lastly, I wanted to say I love you. I love you for your humor and how you always seem to light up a room just by walking into it. Thank you for your support when I trip and fall. I don’t think I could survive without you to be honest. You are the rock that keeps me from getting too emotional and the friend I wouldn’t be able to find in anyone else. I love you for your beauty and I love you for your strength. Most people wouldn’t be able to deal with having a sister like me but you seem to be able to do it effortlessly. You are the funniest, quirkiest, and most beautiful person I have ever met and there is no one else I would rather be related to. I love you for all that you are and all that you have offered to me.

Thanks for being the best sister a girl could have.

With love,

Katie

With everything sucking so much lately I have been very down in the dumps about my looks, the feeling that everyone has forgotten that I’m still fighting, and the fact that I have to miss out on normal people activities due to lack of energy. However, I have been trying to count my blessings and remember everything I have to be thankful for.

1. I am thankful for my parents who have to watch me go through this hell and have never failed to lift me up when I’m down and love me unconditionally.

2. I am thankful for my friends who continue to check on me and have gone above and beyond to make sure I feel loved and cared for.

3. I am thankful that this cancer has not taken away my ability to walk and bath myself like it has taken away for so many others.

4. I am thankful to have such a caring and amazing boyfriend that doesn’t let my changed appearance or lack of ability affect his view of me.

5. I am thankful for my family who never fails to check on me and makes sure I know just how special I am to all of them.

6. I am thankful for the doctors and nurses that make the hospital just a little more bearable each and every time I have to check in with them.

7. I am thankful for my dog who makes me smile and is always down to cuddle when I’m feeling down.

These are just a few of the things I am thankful for. I feel like it’s important to recognize just how lucky we are by taking the time to write down all of the things we have to be thankful for. Just taking a second tothink about these things can change our mood by putting our lives in perspective and giving us a chance to look optimistically about the way we are living the lives we have been blessed with. Try this and I can promise you will realize just how lucky you are.

While most people look at cancer as being a battle between a person and their body, it also includes a battle between a person and their mind. Yes, I still spend most days puking or suffering from a never before felt type of pain, but I would argue that it is harder for me to combat the ideas and misconceptions that my mind comes up with. For example, I would accept all the pain this has thrown at me instead of having to deal with accepting the physical changes that are so apparent when I look in the mirror. A thousand and one people can call me beautiful but I will still think of myself as either a fat Lord Voldemort, the bully with the skull shirt from Toy Story, or one of those monsters that scares away two year olds. It seems pretty self-centered to only talk about my appearance, but my mind is also battling with accepting the changes to my life as well. While all of my friends are getting to drink their way into graduation next spring I am a college dropout forced to lay in a hospital bed each week.

There are an endless list of the reasons why cancer sucks and I could list them all but I wanted to use this more to explain how much of a fight my mind has to endure on top of the physical strains. Also, it isn’t only cancer that this occurs. To put it in perspective, if you were a golfer and you could take a practice run through eighteen but choke on the same course during a tournament that is a perfect example of needing to face your mind’s instinct to get nervous during competitive events. I know that isn’t a perfect example but there are many a ways in which you have to combat your physical injuries and mental thoughts in the real world and we should all be prepared to put up the good fight regardless of our circumstances.