They say whenever you experience a loss that you go through the stages of grief. This includes denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. I’ve decided that the stages of finding out about and dealing with cancer is exactly that; a loss. I am losing my university, my sorority, my health, my hair, and the next nine months (really three years if I want to be realistic). My life is simply paused for cancer and I am stuck being chemo’s bitch.

I think it’s safe to say I am in between the denial and anger stages of grief. I haven’t been crying because my mom does enough of that for everyone and as my sister says “it’s bullshit till she’s bald”. It doesn’t feel like I have cancer yet and I’m definitely not ready to see what happens when it finally hits me…hard. Of course I have had bad moments where I ask “why me?” and joke about how 2015 was supposed to be my lucky year (guess I jinxed myself on that) but I’m trying to focus more on how I can look at this life-changing diagnosis more optimistically.

I have tried to think of all the reasons why this happened and it’s clear that the answer to that question is whatever I want it to be. Maybe I haven’t been appreciating all the people and things around me and needed to be kicked in the ass for not being grateful enough. Maybe the people who are close to me needed to get kicked in the ass and I am the only one strong enough to put up with all of this bullshit. Maybe I really just have terrible luck. Maybe there is something bigger I should be doing to use this diagnosis as a way to make a difference. There are hundreds of reasons I can think of to explain why cancer landed in my body and what really sucks is that no one will every know the true answer.

In the end I can question, worry, or stress over this diagnosis and how it affects my life or I could also use this as a chance to reevaluate how I am living and what I want to change. Let’s face it, my life is going to be on hold for quite some time and I’m going to be able to do a lot of thinking so why not focus on the positives. Cancer is giving me a reason to become a survivor. I am not  the strongest person you’ve ever met but I’ve been through more shit than your average twenty-one year old. With cancer I am fighting for my life and learning how to face the hard challenges head on. This means no excuses and telling those moments of weakness to fuck off. Another way to look at it is by recognizing that I been given this amazing opportunity to potentially help others. Instead of wallowing in self pity I have a chance to inspire people to live their lives with purpose and never take anything for granted because you never know when all of what you expected for the future could be stripped away in the blink of an eye. In the end I want this cancer to mean something, not just for myself and the way I live my life but for all the people in my life. I want to show people that the hard times will get better if you have the determination, the strength, the courage, and the loving support of everyone around you.

Now, I’m not some guru wise old man. I have little experience with this cancer and I know for a fact I will get angrier, sadder, and way less positive but I figure if I don’t start this long, painful process with an optimistic attitude then the next three years of my life are going to be unbearable.

PL&FC,

Voytek

I thought I would take this morning to list off all of the potential causes of my cancer. Keep in mind I am aware that the reason I got cancer is simply bad luck, but it’s more fun to look at the random internet options too.

1. I drank too much Diet Coke. 

Throughout my high school and college career I have been injecting my body with all the chemicals supposedly in Diet Coke just to skimp on a few calories here and there and because honestly regular Coca Cola is too sugary for me all the time. Well looks like that bit me in the ass since I’m sitting here trying to create this list. Anyway, since being in this hospital I have given up Diet Coke and switched to regular Coca Cola (after all, Diet Coke is suspected of causing cancer and I just cant have that amiright?). The results of this switch? Diet Coke tastes better and Coca Cola might not cause cancer but it sure as hell will cause diabetes. Basically eat and drink whatever because you’re only alive once and you should enjoy the tastes you’re putting into your body. If you don’t want to drink a healthy kale smoothie then please save yourself the trouble and crack open that bottle of wine or that Diet Coke like we all know you will enjoy more anyway.

2. I am in college and I drink alcohol.

One of the main questions each and every nurse asks when admitting you into this hell hole is “How many drinks do you have per week?” and my answer is always the same. “I don’t know how many drinks I have because I’m not keeping a running tab. I drink as much as a college student and I just turned 21 three months ago so I’ll let you decide what number you feel represents my average alcohol intake each week.” While that may seem sassy, why would doctor’s ask this? We all know alcohol is bad for us. It makes you hungover, it lowers your immune system, and in some cases is blamed for causing cancer (surprise!!!). Well, I’m calling bullshit on that suggestion. From what I’m looking up everything causes cancer so my suggestion to you is to eat, drink, and be merry because if you are always afraid of the negative side effects you are going to live one boring life as a notorious pussy scaredy cat.

3. I have terrible, no good, very bad luck.

In the end the reason I have cancer can only be explained by using bad luck as the excuse. My diagnosis was not prompted by my alcohol or Diet Coke intake, it was caused because for some unknown, shitty reason I was the only who was picked to handle this shit, put up with the needle pokes, and become chemo’s ultimate bitch. There is no explanation for why myself, a 21 year-old college student all of a sudden has leukemia just like there is no reason the 18 month old down the hall was diagnosed with the exact same type of cancer. Shit happens and life isn’t fair. However, if I focused on that while going through all these painful treatments then you’d all probably never see me again because I believe having a negative attitude is the same as giving up. So for everyone afraid that what they’re eating is going to cause cancer, stop! I love brussel sprouts, I can chow down on some trail mix, and I will drink green tea every morning for the rest of my life, but guess what? I still got cancer regardless of any healthy eating habits I might have had. So my advice to you is to stop worrying about what you’re eating and drinking and start worrying about how you are going to make your life worth talking about to your grandkids.

PS Happy Birthday to my beautiful, awe-inspiring, amazing mother. Even though you’re old you still got a sweet ass. Sorry you’re stuck in the hospital with me all day but I wouldn’t want to be stranded with anyone else. 

Do you have to be woken up every couple of hours each night to take vitals and have nurses prod at the device in your chest to get blood? No? Be thankful. Are you ever forced to sit in your room in isolation because you have cancer and you just got a fever so being exposed to anything outside of your small hospital room could be potentially dangerous? Be thankful. Have you ever had to measure every single time you go to the bathroom and then tell the nurses personal details you never thought anyone would care about before? What about having to talk to ten different, random people per day to discuss the most in-depth details about your body and your health? Be thankful. Lastly, have you ever had to sit in a hospital talking to your nurse about the seven little kids they’ve taken care of who have passed away from cancer since they started working on this floor in October? No again? Be thankful. 

The cancer floor, while so many miracles and inspiring stories are founded right around me each day, is also home to some of the most depressing and saddening cases throughout the entire hospital. There are little two-year old laying on their death-bed down the hall while nineteen year old boys with aspirations to live a normal life are being told that their bone cancer is bad enough in one leg that it has to be removed. I mean really? This is bullshit.

What have any of these kids done to deserve all of this shit? I’m not saying I think any child should have to go through this but I have yet to see a cancer kid that isn’t adorable and is living their life in here like it’s the end of the road. There is so much promise and fight to each child here and I hate that because these are the two, five, seven years olds that shouldn’t be holed up in a hospital but should be running around at recess with their friends and eating ice cream cones and candy that’s fallen on the ground. I guess that’s life for ya, huh?

Update on cancer: Today I am going to receive my second full round of chemo. I guess this one can cause reactions in most patients who get it so I have to be both pre-medicated to prepare for some random reaction and a nurse will stand over me throughout the IV process and check my vitals every ten minutes. Can’t wait!!!! Anyway, I basically take a pharmacy’s amount of medicine each morning and evening because when you have cancer they like shoving all kinds of pills into your body. One of these is steroids. Now, contrary to popular belief, the steroids are not meant to keep me buff and fit while sitting on my ass for a month (one can only hope). Instead, their sole purpose is to decrease the size of my enlarged, scary looking lymph modes while increasing the puffy, chubbiness of my face (hello soon to be bald chubby baby!!!!). Those are the only meds causing my trouble at the moment since my jaw hurts constantly and for some reason I’m always nauseous, but I guess that’s all part of cancer! Wooooh!

Update on my hair (lol) : I am still in denial but I have made the executive decision to cut my hair shorter this Saturday and dye it fun colors so that when it falls out in the next few weeks it wont be too traumatic. So if anyone has any short hair cuts or funny scarves they’ve seen I am open to suggestions. I’m sure I will no longer be in denial when those scissors chop through the long hair I have taken so much pride in (did I ever mention before how much cancer sucks?)

Update on Family: Everyone, (Dad, Morgan, and myself included) seem to be in denial about everything going on since we can’t seem to stop making jokes and talking like none of this is real. I guess Mom and Nathan are the only two taking this seriously and getting upset about what I’m going through and looking realistically about what all this treatment means for myself and my health in.

Update on my nurses: I’m sure if all my guy friends visited here they would be in heaven since each and every single one of my nurses is young (twenty-three) and adorable. My favorite is Jenn. Jenn doesn’t treat me like a regular patient, she follows me and makes jokes and always knows when I need to laugh or when I am having a hard time. I don’t like making her cocky so I don’t tell her that I go tot he nurses station the nights before she works the next day to request her, but I can’t risk having some other nurse that signed up to take care of cute little five-year olds but ended up with the obnoxious twenty-one year old patient.

Not sure this is up to par with other posts I’ve made but seriously the pressure I have to be funny and make these entertaining is a lot more than I signed up for! Thanks for reading the boring trials and tribulations of life with leukemia.

Peace, Love, & Fuck Cancer

– Katie

What to do when your sister has cancer?

Katie has only had cancer for a week. I’m learning as I go. I do not know all the steps. These are just a few. 

Step 1: Receive the news and prepare to not know what to do with yourself for a few days.

My mom called and told me the bad news while I was at school and preparing for midterms. I walked aimlessly around campus alone until I felt like I needed a friend. This made me realize how selfish everyone is in college; because, when I would text people to talk or get food, I would receive a response that they were too busy or studying for midterms. I had a few good friends to open up to. After I would tell them, there was nothing else to do or say. The tone would switch to casual college girl conversation about last weekend or excitement for the upcoming Green Beer Day. Therefore, I kept her cancer to myself at school, while my mind was all over the place.

Step 2: Take advantage of the fact that you can use the cancer card in certain instances

I haven’t done this because I don’t want to use her cancer to help me get out of something I don’t want to do. But Nathan really took advantage of Katie’s diagnosis. Nathan already used Katie’s cancer to get out of two tests. I’m not condoning this behavior, but the option is always open if you absolutely need extra time to study.

Step 3: Make a scene at the hospital

My dad picked me up from Miami and I visited Katie at the hospital for the first time. Not being on my add medicine and being picked up from GBD, I was in a good mood. The best medicine is laughter. Therefore, I turned on music right as I walked into Katie’s room and started dancing, jumping on top of her, and playing with the hospital supplies. The nurses hated me because I kept saying, “It’s bullshit till she’s bald.” We made fun of the nurses together and I took full advantage of the chipotle and sushi people brought for Katie. Hospitals are depressing, but a good attitude and a fun mood can definitely change that perspective.

Step 4: Get texts from nosy curious people

Before Katie’s blog dropped, I made a few Snapchat stories. Because, what else is there to do bored in a hospital room? I received numerous texts asking what happened to Katie or “Why is Katie in the hospital?” These texts made me chuckle to myself before I responded because I felt like I was dropping this news way too casually on unsuspecting people. Anyways, those first few texts were the calm before the storm.

Step 5: Prepare to have your phone bombarded

Katie made her blog public and our phones blew up. I think I got a lot of texts. Katie and Mom got so many more. I left them unread until I had time to respond. It got to the point when I didn’t even read the whole message. I started to skim some after a while. There were a few that really touched me. The most genuine messages were the ones that added a personal story about their experience with cancer or their experience with a friend in the hospital. I got one message that offered to buy a spa treatment for my mom and sister, which was one of the most effective and caring messages I received.

We all had our favorite responses. My mom’s was just a heart emoji. Katie’s was a simple “thanks for the message means a lot (heart emoji) (heart emoji).” I responded something similar but with an added “I’ll pass this onto Katie.” I didn’t really understand why people were texting me. I’m not the one who has cancer. However, I did notice myself feeling some resentment towards my good friends who didn’t text me. But I don’t understand cancer etiquette, so why should I expect other people to understand it. Ultimately, thank you to everyone who shared the #goodvibes and made Katie feel loved.

Step 6: Eat a lot of food

The past few days, Katie has gotten SO MUCH FOOD. Good food too! Katie is going to be on steroids soon and get chubby, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to become borderline obese before she even gets to that point. I’ve eaten way too much chocolate, chipotle, goldfish, BonBonnerie, and sugar cereal. I probably have diabetes. She got an edible arrangement. If you really want to show someone you care about them, buy them an edible arrangement.

Step 7: Buy your sister lots of hats

One way I made myself useful was to online shop for hats. I bought Katie two different bucket hats. One has rubber ducks on it and the other has cats and hamburgers on it. Katie doesn’t have a preference for hats because she’s not bald yet. She wants funny hats. We are looking for a pizza headscarf she saw on Pinterest. So please everyone keep your eyes peeled. If anyone has any suggestions for cool hats, feel free to message Katie or me with links.

I’m not very experienced with cancer. This gives a little insight on what’s happening and how I am doing with it. As a family, we are handling this situation day by day, moment by moment. We are hoping for the best and rolling with the punches. We appreciate all the prayers and love we have received. Peace, Love, and Fuck Cancer. 

– Morgan 

Taking votes on the above hats for when I’m bald!!!!! Comment below?!

To be completely honest I had no idea that so many people actually liked me and thought I was such a likable person. Anyway, I really do appreciate all the thoughtful and exceedingly kind texts, messages, and phone calls I have received over the past few days (even if they have made my phone buzz non stop and die at an unusually fast rate). I have been trying to respond to everyone but if I have missed anyone I apologize and it does not mean in the slightest that I appreciate your message any less.

Apparently once I post this there is going to be a “featured image” and it’s only appropriate to provide some explanation for the explicit content. My best friend, Juliana Dolcimascolo always know the right thing to say to me and never gives me the cheesy bullshit that really doesn’t make me feel any better about this whole cancer thing. This is one of the many pictures she has sent me over the past few days and I really like the inspirational message it provides (lol though right).

BUT SERIOUSLY I never could have imagined that all of my friends and those who know me would reach out and make me feel so much better about this shitty situation. Thank you everyone for your encouraging, caring words because they really do make me smile.

Love you all more than I could ever put into words,

Katie

PL&FuckCancer

Update; even when you are twenty-one and in a children’s hospital they require you to have two different notes and passes from your nurse to enter the child playroom and the “teen room”. While I am well aware that I am too old to fall under the age range for either of those rooms, if you had to sit here in a small room with nothing to do you would resort to child’s play as well.

Anyway, for anyone trying to impress me the most and be my best friend Madi Haas beat you to it. My little cat lady drove all the way from Indy and spent the night with me in an uncomfortable chair to receive the coveted award of my first visitor here in my cancer home. I feel bad since she probably hates her life and has to deal with all my bitching and moaning…especially because I had surgery yesterday and this port feels like I got stabbed in the chest. Trust me, you don’t want cancer…this is the most bored I’ve been in a long while and I bet it will only get worse. While everyone is in Bloomington getting wasted and celebrated Little 5 I get to be a bald and chubby (from the steroids) sitting miserable unable to leave the fifth floor of Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Oncology wing.

I guess I should send updates on what is happening with my leukemia today…the answer is that I have absolutely no idea. I know I get to shower in an hour (WOOOH big steps) and i will find out what stage I’m in and the exact type of ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia) I have from my bone marrow results. However, I have no idea when I will start the bitch that is chemo. If you’ve actually read this far then props to you and personally I judge you for taking the precious time you have today to be living cancer free to sit and read some sad sap story about my bitchy cancer attitude.

Lastly, since I’m probably the smartest person in the world I’ll try and give you some advice…stop sitting at your computer reading a college age girl’s cancer blog and go out and do all the things I’m not going to be able to do for the next year or longer. You get to be cancer free so might as well take advantage of that.

Said in the nicest way possible,

Katie

P.S. fuck cancer.

Apparently it might be too painful to write in a journal on the days when chemo goes badly so it was suggested to me to start this lame website/blog thing. I am currently sitting in my small, cramped hospital room bored as ever. I haven’t eaten since 10 pm and I am not allowed to eat until 2-4 whenever my surgery to insert my port*, get a spinal tap*, and take out bone marrow* is scheduled. Although my previous statements make this situation seem dramatic and terrible, it really isn’t all that bad. I was initially admitted into Good Samaritan yesterday where my room was a lot smaller than this and the old people on the cancer floor made everything smell like a nursing home. At least here at Children’s I get to see little kids and everything is decorated to feel more welcoming. I do feel bad for all of the nurses and doctors though…they signed up to take care of cute little sick kids and now they’re stuck with the 21 year old diagnosed with cancer.

* A port is a rubber device that will be surgically inserted into my chest to take away the poking of my arm for the IV and chemo as well as take away the pain of the constant pricking and prodding. The Spinal tap will take a sample of fluid from my spine that will be tested to determine if any other leukemia cells are hiding out in there. Lastly, the bone marrow will be taken as a way to determine the exact type of leukemia I have, what treatment will work best, and what stage I am in.

Sorry about not being all proper in this first post, I’m sure the next 9 months or 2 years will give me enough practice.

Peace, Love, & Fuck Cancer