So many grammical errors in that last post, but I refuse to change anything because I wrote my thoughts and that is a pretty big accomplishment…right?

I’m just going to be honest for a second. This whole surviving cancer thing is not the heroic story that everyone makes it out to be. I have refrained from talking about this part of my life because I have survived so I think anytime I complain I am offending my dear friends that have lost their loved ones to cancer and I also don’t want to admit that surviving cancer is harder than it looks. Everyone I have talked to thinks I’m some warrior; a hero, a strong person, and honestly at this point in my life I hate hearing people tell me that. I understand you all think that I am strong and I accomplished something few people can do…but honesty I don’t feel that way. I did what anyone in my situation would have done. I showed up for my appointments, I let myself be injected with medicine that would apparently heal me, and then I had to deal with the after affects of it. I know I sound like some selfish brat. I feel like aselfish brat to the parents that read this and have lost their children to cancer, but I hope those parents realize that life after cancer and the guilt that comes with surviving, when so many other children don’t, is more petrifying than going through cancer itself. I hate admitting to people that I am struggling because I feel like I should be embracing the life I have, making the most out of school, and living life like a normal 24 year old adult. However, that is not the case. After finishing chemotherapy in early July I took a semester off school to get both of my shoulders replaced and one of my hips replaced. I recently figured out I have to get my other hip replaced, so from what I’m saying to you….does beating cancer seem like some huge accomplishment? To me it does not. I recognize that the pessimistic side of me is taking over and controlling my thoughts, but I hate lying to people about what surviving cancer really entails. It makes me think I have to work harder and faster to accomplish the life phases I missed, it causes me to question every decision I make because maybe I am setting myself up to get sick again, and it heavily involves thinking about why I was one of the people who survived while so many innocent children lost their lives to such a terrible disease. One of the most difficult parts of this process is trying to understand why so many people stuck my by my side throughout this terrible time in my life. Of course there are people who dropped the ball and made me realize who my true friends were, but in the end I think this whole experience taught me a lot about life. The main point I am trying to make is that regardless of how terrible your situation is at the time, your life can only improve and I truly believe that. I might have made mistakes in my life and come across some challenges, but those experiences made me who I am today and despite the steroid fat, the nausea, and the pain…I think that this whole cancer thing might be a blessing in disguise. Don’t get me wrong, it sucked/sucks ass, but I honestly have learned a lot about myself and what I want my life to look like because of the experiences I have been through. SO yeah, you might have had a hard time in your life but I challenge you to think of the positive things that have come out of that are…because regardless of what happens in you life, good or bad, you can always learn something valuable.

PL&FC

• Katie

Most of you already know how absolutely, incredible my parents are; with mom using Facebook to comment on how beautiful my friends are on every single photo (no seriously it isn’t normal) and with dad owning every single dad’s weekend, rapping to his favorite song “Gold Digger” by Kanye West…I guess they are pretty cool? (or obnoxious depending on how you look at it). Regardless of their more…redeeming (?) qualities, what made me finally, truly appreciate everything they do for me was getting diagnosed with cancer.

Although my dad travels every weekday, he still manages to make time to hang out with me every time he is home. Whether it be heeding to my every steroid-induced craving, bringing me random food, or spending time in the hospital (even though it was clear he was uncomfortable) it is obvious that my dad is one of a kind. He holds a special space in his heart for every single member of this family. Just to brag a little bit, when he is home on the weekends he makes an effort to spend memorable time with every single person in the family, regardless of how tired he is. Honestly, I look forward to these moments every single week because they are what I am going to remember about my dad for the rest of my life….and you know what? I think that is pretty special. My dad would do anything for me and even if he is travelling, I know he would drop everything just to make sure each person in my family is okay.

Additionally (since it is Mother’s Day), my mother plays just as significant of a role in my life. She has been there every time I have stood at my lowest, when I was the sickest I had ever been, when all I needed was a hug, and every time I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be alright. We may fight now that I am feeling better AND NEED TO MOVE OUT MORE THAN ANYTHING, but I will never forget how much her being with me constantly during treatment, and honestly my entire life, has contributed to my survival.

Everyone my mom and I have come across has agreed that we have the exact same personalities as each other, even though we do not look related. However, the way I describe my mom to other people is that we are the same person except she is a lot nicer. Mom makes friends with damn near EVERYONE: the parking attendant at the hospital, any receptionist anywhere, strangers she meets during vacation, etc. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. Seriously, if my mom starts talking to you not only will you get stuck hearing her life story for an hour or more, but you will also gain a loyal friend. The top three words I would use to describe my mother are kind, beautiful, and irritating (still love you mom!). I know it’s cliché to say, but my mom is the type of person I want to be when I am older. I have never met anyone else with the strength she has and the affection she shows to EVERYONE she meets.

Whether you are lucky enough to have your mother in your life today or you are celebrating the memory of her or if you consider someone else your mother figure, I hope everyone today can look at their mom the way I can and see the endearing, and beautiful qualities that make her the only person you could ever imagine calling mom. Me? I have countless second moms out there in the world, but the one that is most special to me is the one that brought me into this world, the one sitting next to me with tangled hair, wearing glasses, and shoving her face with burnt toast. Without my mom, this whole cancer journey would have been a hell of a lot harder, I mean shit man. This is a PSA telling everyone to take the time and make sure to celebrate your mom today and everyday (and probably your dad too because he has/had to put up with her).

To my parents from the BEST gift they have ever received,

Your Daughter

I just wanted to create a post explaining why I do not write as often and how I am doing at the moment. During the first year of treatment this blog was a very therapeutic way of letting everyone know how I was doing. However, because I no longer look sick and have been doing well (about to lose that cancer card!!) it is now a rare occurrence to have an inbox full of people worried about me. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond happy that no one has to worry about me anymore but I have recently gotten a lot of questions regarding why I tend not to write frequently anymore. Also, do you see how many people view this thing (look at the bottom of this site because omg), it is totally overwhelming to have to write to such a big audience. I mean seriously you guys, I was not this popular in high school and I really am not that cool! Anyway, here comes my update that so many of you have asked for…I normally am not one to complain so please bear with me for a couple sentences then my rant will be over.

I’m looking at around 2 ½ months of chemo left and OMG I AM SO READY FOR THIS ALL TO BE DONE; the constant illnesses causing me to cancel on friends or miss class is so not something I am willing to have to do any longer. However, this journey is far from over. Despite being sick so often the past few months I have recently received more bad news (because why tf not right?). The steroids I was on really messed up my joints and bones (because cancer is the gift that keeps on giving) …basically the blood supply to my bones in my legs and shoulders has been shut off. Fortunately for me, only my right hip is starting to collapse but that also means I will be getting a hip replacement at least 3 months after treatment at the RIPE age of 23. Honestly, let’s get serious for a second, this sucks. I am in pain CONSTANTLY and the doctors have tried to give me all sorts of pain med combinations. Unfortunately, and unlike most people, I HATE pain meds. I don’t like the feeling they give me and I don’t like relying on them because those things can be addictive and I really don’t need another problem thrown on my plate (the doctors are not afraid of me getting addicted, only I am afraid of that, and they are actually having to give me lectures on why I need to keep taking it to manage my pain).

In regards to my mental health, this still is a battle every single day. I am severely depressed and have terrible anxiety that I have learned to manage but not remove from my life. I think about cancer constantly; about what it has taken from me and how it will forever affect my way of life. I wallow on my own problems when I should be happy that I am alive when so many aren’t so lucky. I get mad that so many beautiful children with their whole lives ahead of them were taken away. I know I’m not old but I still feel guilty about surviving while so many others did not. I miss having my friends close to me and I wish more than anything that my life was “normal” again.  

Despite all of these challenges, I am doing extremely well. I plan to graduate this coming December and get my masters a couple of semesters later. I have my family, my boyfriend, a couple friends, and my dogs here to keep me company. I am trying to find a purpose for my cancer. This means finding a way to help other young adults in situations similar to mine, teaching friends and families how to treat cancer patients without making anyone uncomfortable, and advocating for other children diagnosed with pediatric cancer.

Thank you all for standing beside me the past couple of years because I truly would NEVER be able to do all of this without you. I get told a lot how I am “one of the strongest people” you know, but if it weren’t for all of your support I would have given up a long time ago.

Peace, love, and fuck cancer,

Katie

People keep asking me what I’m up to and how I have been feeling. As most know, I hate using my phone so this is the best option to reach out to everyone concerned.

1. What are you up to?

Well pretty much the same thing. While last year was a year of rough chemo that was physically straining, I am now continuing on my year and a half of maintenance. In maintenance I go in once a month for chemo treatments that aren’t going to make me lose my hair but still suck. Every other day of the month I take oral chemo pills and I will officially be done with treatment on July 7, 2017. I am starting to become a real person again… I started attending school at Xavier University this past semester and let me tell you it is SO nice to finally be busy again. Not really much to expand on there. Other than that I’m just trying to get by without any incidents.

2. How are you feeling?

That is a great question. Normally when people ask me that question I respond with “I’m doing really well” but I do have a lot going on and I am struggling to be a normal twenty-two year old girl. Being at a children’s hospital has definitely caused me to regress and become a little more immature than I was before. I have been having a lot of trouble separating from my mom because we were constantly together for over a year and a half, but I am slowly working on it (you try spending every waking moment with your mom and then tell me how easy it is to adult). I have been trying to train myself to be an independent student instead of a dependent patient. People never tell you that it isn’t the bad chemo that sucks the most it’s all the side effects from treatment that are the worst (super attractive stretch marks, avascular necrosis that means I can’t run again, cavities, depression and anxiety, short hair that looks like an afro when it grows in, and many, many other annoying fuckers). My doctors and care manager like to tell me that I am a “difficult patient” and am “special” because I keep having so many unexpected rough patches due to the side effects. On top of all these nice surprises it is really difficult for me to combat the mental and emotional stress that has build up over time. When I got sick or started to hurt physically from my treatments there was always a pill that could help relieve that, but when I am upset about my stretch marks or struggling to move on there isn’t a magical pill I can take to make it all better. There isn’t a single day that goes by where I don’t miss having all of my friends nearby, my long hair and stretch-mark free body back , or the ability to live without worrying about getting sick and sent back to the hospital. It is mentally exhausting. I am retraining myself to act normally and do things that you would look at and consider to be second-nature such as organizing my medicines, learning when to let my body rest, not bringing up cancer in daily conversation, and others. A year and a half might seem like too short of a time to lose the ability to balance the social, mental, physical, and academic aspects of life, but I was only focused on my health that whole time and nothing else really mattered. While I do feel like I gained a lot of wisdom and life lessons from this journey, I also feel as if I have lost a huge part of who I am and it is a struggle each and everyday to get that back. I know that I will never be the same person who I was before I got diagnosed, but I would like to gain my sense of self-worth and independence back. I think one of the hardest parts of having to go through this mental battle is doing it without most people knowing how I really feel. I might be growing back my hair and losing a bunch of the weight that I gained from steroids but I am still finding it almost impossible to feel like I have any aspect of my life under control. I don’t need any sympathy or gifts, I just want everyone to support me and understand that I am still going through a lot.

NOWWWW I WILL BE POSITIVE

I didn’t think I would end up writing that much so I figured I should probably talk more optimistically now. My mom is actually going to start running for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Woman of the Year for 2017 because she wants to make sure top turn my cancer into something worthwhile. I am close to being a cancer survivor and I am one of the lucky ones who has been responding to treatment. I have made some AMAZING friends who I would have never crossed paths with unless I had gotten sick. I have gotten to see just how much my family, boyfriend, and friends care about me. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have recognized that before, but when I look back on all of the surprise visits, kind words, and never-ending support I am moved to tears. I have a better understanding on what it means to live each day by the fullest and I am more compassionate towards those who are struggling through all of life’s low points. This has been the shittiest, most demeaning, painful, terrible, and worst time in my life, but it has also bee the most eye-opening, supportive, loving, and inspiring experiences. Cancer might be stupid but it is important to recognize all of the potential beauty it can hold or you will just end up miserable, hating the cards you were dealt.

PL&FC

Bullies. Suicidal thoughts. Partial hospitalization. Knee reconstruction. Depression. Anxiety. Cancer. Get knocked down seven times but stand up eight. Throughout my twenty-two years I have been through more than an average person will experience throughout their entire life (some things not listed for fear of being politically incorrect). However, I try my hardest to not let the bad times get to me, to keep moving forward and learn from the hardships without letting them break me. The easiest thing a person can do is give up and become the victim. True strength is taking your past and using it to make you stronger.

Starting in elementary school I was bullied enough to the point where my parents took me out of school and moved me into another. From this I learned about empathy and respecting the emotions of others without judging them. Having suicidal thoughts was almost a breaking point until I discovered that in order to be happy I needed to change my attitude and be grateful for what I do have. Being violated and abused doesn’t define who you are. This taught me about loving myself and about how I deserve a love that does not strip me of my dignity. Knee surgery helped me discover that if I put in the effort I would come back stronger than I was before. I would have never predicted that after all of this I would still have more unpleasant events coming my way. I learned that I should never base my decisions on the advice of those who never have to deal with the results. My struggles with depression and anxiety have given me the opportunity to empathize with others and understand that everyone has their own demons they are trying to fight, all you can do is refrain from judgment and remain supportive.

It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with cancer that I came to understand how precious life is. I have come to realize that because of cancer I will understand more deeply, appreciate more quickly, hope more desperately, love more openly, and live more passionately. You are given one life to live. Regardless of your struggles and hardships there is always someone who is worse off so take advantage of the life you are given. Show the world that you do not let your scars define you. Stand up when the world thinks you should be falling down and always keep a smile on your face because the strongest people are those who remain optimistic when times get tough. All in all I have been kicked to the curb and punched in the gut until I could no longer breathe. Tough times never last, but tough people always do.

An anonymous person once said, “I do not know how my story will end, but nowhere in my text will it ever read ‘I gave up’.” Because of everything I have been through I refuse to define myself by the things that have happened to me or brought me down, rather, I want to be defined by the person within me who has shown that perseverance trumps all negativity. Through continued endurance I have begun to understand that I am still here for a reason. I made it through hell in order to recognize that I have a purpose. I am an example to those who need a “hero”, I am compassionate and understanding of others going through situations similar to my own, and I am able to recognize that through perseverance I have grown into the person who I am meant to be. This is why I believe in perseverance, because the hard times will only make you stronger in the end.

I figured it was a good time to update this whole blog thing with what has been going on. I knew last year was hard physically and emotionally draining but I never expected that being in the middle of maintenance (I still take chemo each and every day) would be as mentally challenging as it has been. I’m in this weird middle ground where I am feeling a lot better than I used to but I still am not in school and not in shape physically to do strenuous activities. This is definitely a low point for me mentally and emotionally. My friends from out of town have stopped visiting, my dad is travelling every week, my sister works, my brother plays golf, my mom drives my brother, and my boyfriend is back to work as well. I find myself waking up feeling sad and lonely. I have started crying randomly and I can’t even pin point why. The doctors and therapist all say this is normal and they are surprised this whole depression thing hasn’t gotten worse sooner, but I still feel guilty for feeling this way. I am alive and happy with where I’m going but its hard for me to focus on the good things I have coming in my future when I’m busy focusing on the bad things that I’m currently going through.

Everyone still tells me how proud they are that I have managed to keep a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eyes. I haven’t really told people how I’ve been feeling because I don’t like it when people feel sorry for me and I feel like they would judge me for not being happy to have gotten through the past fifteen months of hell. Sure in the past I have had struggles with depression but this is definitely the hardest I’ve had to push through. I find staying busy, seeing my friends, and getting out of the house does a lot of good so I keep trying to make those things happen. Knowing that I can feel this way and not have others know what a hard time I’ve been having has really opened my eyes to how much you can talk to a person but not realize that they could be struggling in there everyday lives. You hear all the time that you never know what a person could be going through behind closed doors but it has always been difficult for me to empathize with that until going through the stages of grief and dealing with depression and anxiety. Depression is something that millions of Americans face and it is important to be aware that calling a friend every once in a while or taking someone out of their house just too see them or converse face to face is so helpful and uplifting. It isn’t hard to simply reach out so the next time you are sitting bored on the couch or waiting for something just pick up the phone and call that friend or family member you haven’t checked in on for a while because, although it may seem irrelevant, it is the small gestures that can really turn someone’s day around.

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy, because it’s the greatest show of all time, and something happened. In the episode, the main character, Meredith Grey, suffered a trauma to point that it took her a while to regain her motor skills. She couldn’t talk because of the wires in her mouth, but could hear and move her arms. She was obviously in a compromising position in her recovery stage but finally got to a point where her three kids were going to be brought into the room to see her. When her daughter Zola walked in and saw her mom she didn’t step through the door and told Dr. Robins “No, I don’t want to” when she was encouraged to hug her.  Meredith could hold her baby for just a second before it started crying. The baby and Zola were taken out of the room and Meredith began to cry.

The second Meredith cried, I also started crying alone in my room. Why? Because I witnessed my sister go through the same thing. Over the summer our two-year-old cousin visited us and wouldn’t go near Katie. When my aunt tried to get her to play with Katie she started crying into my aunt’s chest, saying, “she’s scary” in reference to Katie’s buff-less head. Katie left the room in tears, tripped as she was storming off, and cried into her arms on the floor. My heart broke when I saw my older sister, one of my biggest role models, in such a position. Seeing the Grey’s Anatomy episode brought that memory and those emotions back.

Sometimes that happens, I break down. I obviously think about Katie non-stop throughout the day, but, as my family can definitely attest to, I don’t express my emotions well and like to keep things bottled up. Yet, you can only keep everything bottled up for so long. When I see an old picture of Katie enjoying college at IU, I cry. When I hear someone complaining about irrelevant drama, I get angry at them. Or when I see Love Your Melon hats being sold on campus, I get extremely emotional.

As a third party observer, it is hard to handle someone else’s cancer and the struggles that come with it. Being at college, trying to study and enjoy myself is also hard. I often feel helpless and guilty in such a situation. I feel selfish when I want to tell my sister about nights out, boys I have a crush on, or friends I’ve made; because I don’t want to make her feel like she’s missing out. I feel guilty asking her if she likes a dress I found online, while she sometimes can’t even fit into my mom’s clothes. Scheduling conflicts happen way too often. I would love to go home all the time, but sometimes Katie just needs to rest and other times I have homework. I don’t know the answer to the question, “what can I do to help?” and, frankly, I don’t think Katie knows the answer to that either.

I think the answer to the question is to just be there with her; and, although I can’t be physically present with Katie sometimes, I can be emotionally with her by keeping her in my thoughts and prayers. One time my high school class was presented with a social experiment to call the most influential person in our lives. Showing gratitude to someone you love is a way to inspire happiness in that person and yourself. We did it in front of the class and every phone call ended in tears—tears of happiness, of love. This class social experiment was done three years ago. I called Katie, and I would call Katie again.

People get lost in this bubble when they are in college and I don’t think they show love to the most important people in their lives—I know I have a hard time doing it. I think just showing someone you care is enough. Forget about how Greek life is getting in trouble, the wi-fi where you live is shitty, and the upcoming date party that you “have nothing to wear to” is making you pay for express shipping. Get on your cellphone that you stare at every five seconds and CALL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.

I want to encourage everyone to find a minute and show gratitude to someone by giving that person a quick call. It will likely not last long because, if you’re like me and Katie, you won’t be able to talk because you’ll cry too hard.

Katie is, with no doubt in my mind, the most influential person in my life. I want to use this post to also thank her. She has shown to not worry about the stupid shit people care about and to focus on what matters most—love.

– Morgan

It’s been a solid two months since I wrote anything and as you can imagine so much has happened. After two months of a phase called “Delayed Intensification” (yes it is as bad as it sounds) my body decided to completely shut down and it was obvious that the chemo had hit me hard. In December my liver, kidneys, and gallbladder decided to shut down and I was admitted into the hospital yet again for another ten days. I not only became jaundice (that means I literally was yellow) but the stress my body was going through led to my hair falling out all over again. It was then that the doctors began questioning whether or not I had relapsed and I was scheduled to have a biopsy. Thankfully the results showed that I am in remission and it is assumed that my levels are only tanked because nine months of chemo took an extreme toll on my body. After a month without chemo I am currently waiting for my levels to bounce back and to get my gallbladder removed. Today was officially my first day of Maintenance which means that I have eighteen months of everyday oral chemo, steroids for five days each month, a lumbar puncture once a month, and IV chemo once a month. Although my body still hates me, I am excited to begin to slowly working my way up to becoming my old self.

Mentally I am exhausted. My cancer is becoming normal and I have become accustomed to the constant hospital visits that take all day. Throughout these past two months I have had many highs and many lows. While making two more cancer friends I have also lost one of my most treasured. I guess that just comes with life on the cancer floor but it still breaks my heart each time a new angel gains their wings. I constantly struggle with the idea that I am one of the lucky individuals who is responding to treatment while so many others are fighting desperately to stay alive. It bring up the question “why me?” I have had twenty-two years of life lived while there are younger patients who will never get the chance to experience all that I have. I just want everyone to recognize how lucky they are to be alive and learn to fully appreciate each experience they are able to go through.

PL&FC

RIP Natalia

My mom is the most influencial and important person in my life. Now, this isn’t just a typical essay I want to submit on my college application…it really is the truth. I admit that I would not be able to get through these three years of treatment without her. She is the person who never fails to bring me up when I’m down or push me to keep going when all I want to do is give up.

It would be an uderstatement to call the last two months absolute hell. I was constantly sick, always in a bad mood, and refused to do anything but wallow. It was my mom who would get me up and moving. Without her positivity and relentless motivation I would have lingered in my depression and become even less enjoyable to be around. I commend the people that put up with me during the past two months because I sure as hell wouldn’t want to hang out with that version of myself.

Besides using this post to suck up to my mom and become the favorite child (hi mom!), I wanted to bring to light how important it is to stay as positive as possible when you reach your lowest of lows. For me, it was my mom and close friends who made me realize that I have a purpose but  if a tv show, a song lyric, or a complete stranger can give you the same motivation than make sure you recognize how important it is to lean on that positivity and use it to lift you up.

Lastly, I wanted to say thank you to my mom. Thank you for being my best friend and thank you for not letting me wallow in my cancer because without you I wouldn’t feel like getting out of bed each morning.