I just wanted to create a post explaining why I do not write as often and how I am doing at the moment. During the first year of treatment this blog was a very therapeutic way of letting everyone know how I was doing. However, because I no longer look sick and have been doing well (about to lose that cancer card!!) it is now a rare occurrence to have an inbox full of people worried about me. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond happy that no one has to worry about me anymore but I have recently gotten a lot of questions regarding why I tend not to write frequently anymore. Also, do you see how many people view this thing (look at the bottom of this site because omg), it is totally overwhelming to have to write to such a big audience. I mean seriously you guys, I was not this popular in high school and I really am not that cool! Anyway, here comes my update that so many of you have asked for…I normally am not one to complain so please bear with me for a couple sentences then my rant will be over.

I’m looking at around 2 ½ months of chemo left and OMG I AM SO READY FOR THIS ALL TO BE DONE; the constant illnesses causing me to cancel on friends or miss class is so not something I am willing to have to do any longer. However, this journey is far from over. Despite being sick so often the past few months I have recently received more bad news (because why tf not right?). The steroids I was on really messed up my joints and bones (because cancer is the gift that keeps on giving) …basically the blood supply to my bones in my legs and shoulders has been shut off. Fortunately for me, only my right hip is starting to collapse but that also means I will be getting a hip replacement at least 3 months after treatment at the RIPE age of 23. Honestly, let’s get serious for a second, this sucks. I am in pain CONSTANTLY and the doctors have tried to give me all sorts of pain med combinations. Unfortunately, and unlike most people, I HATE pain meds. I don’t like the feeling they give me and I don’t like relying on them because those things can be addictive and I really don’t need another problem thrown on my plate (the doctors are not afraid of me getting addicted, only I am afraid of that, and they are actually having to give me lectures on why I need to keep taking it to manage my pain).

In regards to my mental health, this still is a battle every single day. I am severely depressed and have terrible anxiety that I have learned to manage but not remove from my life. I think about cancer constantly; about what it has taken from me and how it will forever affect my way of life. I wallow on my own problems when I should be happy that I am alive when so many aren’t so lucky. I get mad that so many beautiful children with their whole lives ahead of them were taken away. I know I’m not old but I still feel guilty about surviving while so many others did not. I miss having my friends close to me and I wish more than anything that my life was “normal” again.  

Despite all of these challenges, I am doing extremely well. I plan to graduate this coming December and get my masters a couple of semesters later. I have my family, my boyfriend, a couple friends, and my dogs here to keep me company. I am trying to find a purpose for my cancer. This means finding a way to help other young adults in situations similar to mine, teaching friends and families how to treat cancer patients without making anyone uncomfortable, and advocating for other children diagnosed with pediatric cancer.

Thank you all for standing beside me the past couple of years because I truly would NEVER be able to do all of this without you. I get told a lot how I am “one of the strongest people” you know, but if it weren’t for all of your support I would have given up a long time ago.

Peace, love, and fuck cancer,

Katie