Okay so over the past seven years of my life I have struggled to maintain a relationship with god. Whether going through hard times or celebrating the best of times it has always been hard for me to trust that faith will carry me through. Two weeks ago when my mom said she was going to church I said I would join her (mind you, this church is similar to Crossroads). Although it was not a catholic church service that I have been used to attending i enjoyed the laid back, relaxing environment and decided that it didn’t hurt to try and restore the little faith I had left and wanted to return the following week.
The week after my first Horizon attendance proved to be one of the worst mental weeks of my cancer and did nothing to strengthen this so called faith in God. I was crying multiple times a day and focusing on how I am only 1/4 of the way through the intense chemo schedule that leukemia requires.Along with feeling less motivated, I was wallowing about the changes to my physical appearance. Now that I try and get out of the house more it isn’t rare to run into someone I know that does not recognize my deformed cancer face. Guess that’s just another perk of cancer at twenty-one amiright?
Anyway, the Saturday following that dramatic week I got in yet another fight with my mom and had to separate myself into the other room. As I was perusing through the channels trying to find something to take my mind off of things I stumbled upon Veggie Tales. Now, I don’t know about you but I haven’t seen a Veggie Tales episode since elementary school and had no recollection of the show being so religiously centered (if you didn’t know Veggie Tales is basically a show that turns bible characters into vegetables and has them act out stories found in the bible) so I decide it couldn’t hurt to watch it and since there are silly songs to keep me entertained. However, as I watched the story of Gideon and how he was going to lead a crusade against a stronger army all because God chose him to trust that he will carry Gideon through to the end. Anyway, I took some notes and planned to write a blog post about how wierd it was that I randomly ccame upon a bible show that was tellling me exactly what I needed to here.
It wasn’t until the nest day when my parents and I went back to Horizon for the Sunday service. This first week was focused on turning your ow, plow, and now moments into wow moments. Now I will be the first to admit that I have a long way to go and a lot of work to do before fully gaining my faith back but as I am sitting, listening to Chad speak openly to his congregation a single bible verse is put on the screen…I kid you not I read “Proverbs 3:5-6” and immediately recognized the verse that the Veggie Tales episode I just happened to come across was the same one plastered in front of me that Sunday morning.
So okay, I sit there and think ‘wow Katie that is super weird but that must be a common verse that everyone uses during hard times’. Yes, I was being stubborn and refusing to accept the signs in front of me until I went home that night. I was going through my box of cancer clothes (I have gained A LOT of weight and don’t remember most of the things given to me so it’s almost like opening a new present every time I reach into my hamper). Well I grab a shirt close to bottom and tell my aunt, “I don’t remember seeing this but I’m pretty sure someone sent it to me in the hospital.” I lifted up the shirt and I shit you not the damn thing read ‘I got this -God Proverbs 3:5’.
Now I am not saying this has made me a devout worshipper but I am convinced that the three coincidences listed above are what will allow me to create a faith foundation and bridge the long term gap I have been struggling with for years…but seriously are those stories not just the eeriest things you’ve ever heard?!
Cancer is Stupid 
Katie,
Nothing happens by happenstance, God is always working for you!
Keep the faith.
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Gpa here –
Wow, that’s pretty weird stuff.
I like to think of myself as an agnostic. Lots of people mistake “agnostic” for atheist. Oh no no no, my fuzzy friend. Not the same. Frankly, not even close.
Agnostics are still trying to figure God (and religion) out. They’re fence sitters. Good observers, but adamantly fence sitters who go around with a quizzical look on their faces. That would be me.
Many, like me, have had some less than happy experiences with faith and those who try to pour their personal and their church’s ideas all over us. Knowing you as I do, I suspect that gets the hackles up on your back and you (we) dig our heels in.
But here’s the thing: God, in whatever form you care to acknowledge God, is as real to me as anything else that I can feel or touch or love or, yes, worship. God is damn confusing and I will readily admit so complex that the basic idea is constantly overwhelming me as I wrestle with who, what, why, how, when, etc.
But God is also power, compassion, consistency, and most importantly, Love. And I think that Love is God’s gift to all living things, including folks who are struggling with cancer and just how God fits into all this.
Embrace God’s Love and I truly believe it will carry you through this beast called cancer. Let God in and God will be your ally, your rock, and your strength not just as you battle this disease, but as you exit cancer and fully embrace a long, cancer free life.
Here’s something else that you probably have heard and undoubtedly don’t want to hear again. God’s Love is power, strength, and peace.
You, my dear granddaughter, are lucky. Why? Because you have (and are) experiencing God’s Love through all of your friends and family. Far more than any typical; 21 year old. Simply put, let it flow. Let it strengthen you, heal you, encourage you.
I don’t believe much in organized religion. It’s OK as far as a social gathering and works well at concentrating God’s Love and focusing it on those in need. That would be you. But the most important thing is believing in God and the strength that comes from that commitment, that unquestioning belief.
Well, this is far and away more that I should be telling you (and all of those who read this blog), but you’re bringing out some of old Gpa’s rather unorthodox thoughts, so I figure sharing those with you (and everyone else) is my obligation.
No, I won’t start going to church on a regular basis, and no, I won’t stop cursing or having my evening martini or being grumpy when I feel like it, but I will continue to say my prayers and believe that God is real and can do things we can’t even imagine when called upon. God is Love and Love is power, peace, and the way. And God will be the reason you beat cancer and live a wonderful, happy, exciting life for many, many years to come.
I L-O-V-E you.
Peace, love, and fuck cancer.
Gpa
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Gpa
amen to that!!
god is the force in everyone to keep going on in good or bad times
god is the power to forgive
god is the power that makes us human
god is sometimes far away and yet so close.
and in your case Katie god is the love you get from your family and friends.
keep the faith (whatever that is!)
grts Gunther
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Hi Katie – I have been corresponding with your Dad and he included your website in his signature. I am blown away(read: inspired) by your panach
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dammit..sorry, didn’t mean to hit enter and now I can’t edit…anyway, it’s spelled “panache” and you are in inspiration. I chose to reply under your Gpa because A) he sounds like a super fly rockstar and B) he might be the worlds first mental hacker because I felt like he extracted my exact struggles with organized religion in a much more eloquent way than I ever have…but God is most definitely real and your experience with Veggie Tales is much more than a coincidence. One thing I know for sure is that God is super cool like that and has a quirky sense of humor.
Beat this thing!
And FUCK cancer.
RT
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this made me shiver with the mystery and yet smile with the confidence.
your Gpa said it best “But God is also power, compassion, consistency, and most importantly, Love. And I think that Love is God’s gift to all living things, including folks who are struggling with cancer and just how God fits into all this.”
God is love even when God is mystery.
i love you dearly too.
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Katie — thanks for sharing this experience.
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This is how God works!
In mysterious ways to lift us up through trials & pain we encounter as human beings
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Amazing story
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I pray for you all the time, especially when I see your writing (like today) or a post by your parents about anything. I also had Veggie Tales in my classes for the kids to view at our parish, and love them even today. It takes me to my happy place. I like quiet when I ask God questions, and I also like gathering with my friends who are all wanting the same strength. It is a humbling experience to come from Mass and realize how I was chosen to merely be born. I don’t feel only one religion has the right path, but God sorta stamps out a path designed best to have a good relationship with you. You should be yourself, and feel as though you are special as you relate to God. And I know you are special and I have never met you. No need to always talk about cancer, you are much more. 🙂
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Proverbs 3:5-6 are two of my favorite verses that became very real to me when my dad had to have his leg amputated, and later, his other leg amputated. Other verses that became real to me are Philippians 4:6-7 and Psalm 46:10. Praying for you!
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